By
AawwNutz |
Published
Jun 04 2006, 11:03 AM
It's not as easy as you think it is to be an above average poker player. Among some of the more obvious problems:
1. You gotta file a tax return. Newsflash: in this day and age, Uncle Sam knows about all of those nice round number transfers from overseas financial companies to your bank account.
2. You gotta keep good records to fill out that tax return.
3. You gotta figure out how to politely turn down beggars. JohnnyBax has this figured out, so I copied him. I'm not sure what SMD GFY means, but the beggar always goes away.
4. You gotta research and figure out why FlashInDaPan jumped over you in the rankings. The guys at Pocket Fives do their best, but they do defy one law of physics: What goes up, must come down.
5. You gotta propaga.. n.. d.. a... te? Not sure what the correct word is, but you know.. the blimp over Adam's house that reads "AawwNutz wins another WSOP seat" or the email "Hey does beating my 3 kids and wife in a Sunday at-home tournament complete the triple crown. I wasn't sure, but I made the kids put up their college savings against my secret poker account against my wife's weekly allowance - all well over the 10k minimum." Advertising is the key to any successful business.
6. You gotta figure out your travel schedule. I end up going to most events by myself, cause all of my good poker playing friends are broke and still running bad (another article), my wife is busy (an article you'll find in Housewives), the kids are in school (not going here), and my girlfriend is mad at me (did I just say that out loud? damn, my new laptop doesn't have a delete key). LOL at that - a poker player good looking enough to have more than one woman. What do you call a poker player with a wife and a girlfriend? I just made this joke up... but, it's gotta be RICH.... or... NOT VERY GOOD... hmmm... can't decide. If my wife reads that girlfriend joke, she's gonna "cut me off". Oh well, I won't know until my birthday or christmas, so that article will come later, as well.
7. You gotta figure out how to keep your friends. It's tough when you are bursting at the seams with excitement cause you just won more in 4 hours than your buddy makes all year at the Waffle House. They don't really know what to say when you tell them "I took down my 3rd wsop seat last night" when they have already spent 12k trying to qualify. Definitely, don't do the "Woot Woot" thing that has become so popular, it may be followed shortly by "Don't Shoot Shoot.".
8. And last, but not least, you gotta figure out how to get to the damn bathroom during the WSOP main event. I think I saw the guy in charge of WSOP bathroom access in a walk-on role for the movie "The Ringer". Hell, by the time the main event started last year, I just started wearing a diaper under my shorts. Not only did I play like crap, but I smelled like it, too. And, oh, the wry smile and satisfied look on my face put a couple of guys on tilt - funny how peeing on yourself and sex make your face react the same way.
Anyway, the whole point of this article is that I want to share these problems with you. Am I a good friend or what? My sharing is only a little better than that girl that shared that STD with you.
I think the easiest way for me to jack up your life is to share my strategy for qualifying into the WSOP main event. Once you get the first one under your belt, you can continue to win seats and use them for other tourneys which will exponentially compound your headaches. I know some of you have seen me play and have suggested, rather rudely, that I quit poker, but for some reason, I'm pretty good at qualifying thru these satellites. I think it's like winning a donkey beauty pageant - it's nice to win, but I'm still just a hot donkey.. So far this year, I have tried 7 times to win a WSOP main event package at a total cost of $2,310. I have won three packages valued at $36,000 and have bubbled one satellite for $840. I've got a net gain of almost 35k and a pretty impressive ROI% of over 1700%. Kind of ActionJeffesque, don't you think (sorry, another made up word).
As for the strategy, I can't say honestly that I assumed the thinking pose (red face, bulging vein on the toilet), and came up with this BEFORE I won satellites. I have just reflected back upon my wins and tried to summarize what got me through the maze the most successfully. The strategy I am about to outline works best for satellites that give multiple seats generated by high buy-ins. I would recommend trying to satellite into $500, $650, and $1000 tourneys where they'll be at least 5 seats up for grabs. As you are about to find out, this strategy is only useful when you have to build your chips to 10-20x your initial chip stack to be an average stack seat winner.
1. WSOP satellites ARE NOT REAL POKER. Early survival is twice as important as early chip accumulation. In real poker, you try to win every single chip by hitting big hands that get paid off. For WSOP qualifying, you'll just need to build your chip stack through antes and blinds to an acceptable level.
2. Just because the buy-ins are relatively large, do not assume that the players are any good. At least half have qualified in - sometimes much higher %. Don't try to blow them off of a hand early. Play your cards.
3. There's no real hurry in these tourneys. You will need to be there for a while just grinding along. WSOP satellites are all about chopping small pots.
4. Play tight and let the bad players give you their chips.
5. Don't make any tough calls. If it's a tough call, then fold.
6. At some point, usually within 10-15 positions of the seats, you'll notice that play has slowed down considerably. When this happens, suck in the beer gut, take a stiff shot of whiskey, and "bow up" your chest because it's time for you to be a little braver than most of the rest of the players.
7. Hopefully, you have made it to this point with at least 60% of the average stack which will hopefully be more than 10x BB. Your goal now is to become a blind and ante machine by hyper-chopping pots. You want to steal lots of blinds and post-flop pots by making smallish bets. It is very unusual to see many plays at this point. They either have you beat or they fold.
8. When you open for a raise, the bet should be for 2 to 2-1/2 times the BB. Again, very few players will be making moves or playing unless they're really loaded. A smallish raise will do the trick. I like to calculate the pot and try to use that total for my standard raise amount if it's at least 2x BB.
9. You are not playing normal poker at this point. DO NOT CALL ANYTHING. You are not trying to play pots at all. You are trying to steal pots. If you get a hand that you just have to play after someone has opened, you should push all-in . I don't want to hear that you called your whole decent-sized stack with AK. Obviously, if you are short-stacked you will have to play more hands. But, with an average stack, you should really not be calling raises at all. I fold QQ and JJ regularly against open-raisers because this type of tournament is different than others.
10. Remember, you don't have to get first, but you need to try to build up and stay at least an average stack so the blinds don't pressure you more than other players. This tournament is all about surviving to the top # spots. It's you against the blinds and the structure more than anything.
11. I've made it clear that you need to avoid confrontation late, but DO NOT GO INTO A SHELL. You gotta have more courage and composure than everyone else. Let them be nervous about playing for the seat. You need to chop, chop, chop, chop your way to above average chips. You be the dog, let them be the tail.
12. Get the mindset that you are going to look at stealing the blinds late in this tourney as one big long-term play. The most efficient way to build your stack through blinds and antes is to commit to finding good spots against the right players to win 3 times every two orbits. Two of the pots keep your stack from declining. The other steal is usually good for almost a 3x BB increase every two rounds. If you have to play 4 pots to get in 3 steals, you still net 1.5xBB every two rounds. This blind stealing does require some feel. You gotta figure out what the table will let you get away with. In this type of a tournament, they'll usually let you get away with murder - I regularly play 5-6 pots every two orbits and usually only have to give up on one pot.
13. Here's the real kicker to this theory. You are NOT trying to play pots. If someone re-raises you, let them have the pot. NO BIG DEAL. They probably have you beat, and if not, let them earn a pot, too. UNLESS, you have a monster, and then you can pound em. If someone flat calls you, PLAY VERY CAREFULLY, because, again, you know that it's ok to lose a hand. If you suspect that you have the best hand after the flop, keep your bet to 1/2 the pot. You'll find out quickly if your hand is good.
14. Once you get your chips built up to 10% more than what the average is to win a seat, go into treading water mode. You want to steal the blinds and antes one time per round so your stack doesn't decline. Occasionally everyone will fold to your BB which gives you a little profit. You do NOT have to play a pot. You do NOT have to bust anyone. In my last qaulifier, I folded AKs in the BB to an all-in from the cutoff for 60% of my stack on the bubble. Why call? I've lost with AKs so many times that I understand it's frailty. I didn't need to risk anything. I just clicked the fold button and let a couple of the medium stacks go at it a few hands later.
15. If you find yourself as the shortest stack on the bubble, you really have to try to use your stack as a weapon. You cannot chop pots anymore because others will think they can make you fold. Find someone that would feel lots of pain if they lost to you and put all of your chips in the middle. Don't go against the big stack or the maniac, but find a nice solid medium stacked player. If you are in the SB with 25k and the BB has 40k with 2/4k blinds, you should be all-in BLIND from the SB. He's not calling 98% of the time, and if he does, trust me, you would have lost with QQ anyway. The hardest thing for me in poker is to maintain my aggression when I'm short stacked, but if you agree to continually fold your hands, the rest of the table will keep folding till you are blinded out.
In closing, I hope that some of you P5ers get enough benefit from this article to actually win a WSOP main event seat and then get to experience the thrill of all of the mayhem. You'll find that booking your travel and fighting bathroom lines are really not that burdensome. If you think this article helped you win, you owe me a drink in Vegas - look for the guy in the bulky shorts......