One of my oldest friends (25 years and counting) is a vice-principal at the same high school he attended in times gone by. He was a standout teacher, then became music department head, then was promoted again a couple years back. He is a dedicated and passionate educator who cares about providing the best possible environment for his students and fellow faculty and staff.

His position as a school figurehead brings with it notoriety both positive and negative. He has helped teach thousands of students about music, conduct and life over the years, hopefully molding today’s young minds into tomorrow’s leaders. He also has, as I recently learned, a “hate group” on Facebook, where some previously aggrieved students can gather and talk shit about him.

He wasn’t happy. It can be tough not to take this stuff personally, even if we take Vito Corleone’s “it’s not personal…it’s business” advice to heart. In a detached way, the hate group is just business. None of these students really know him personally. They just know he caught them pulling a smoke alarm or shooting spitwads, and busted them for it. But the thought that someone would say mean-spirited things about him was quite hurtful, just the same.

The vast majority of people are social creatures. We want to be around others, to like them, and have them like us. If someone does something nice for us, we thank him or her. If we do something mean to another, we apologize. If they express a positive opinion of us, we are flattered and pleased.

And, as it relates to just about every poker session we play…if they tell us we did something stupid, we react emotionally, negatively. Constructive criticism is one thing; I’m talking about the guy you just sucked out on calling you a donkey, an idiot, Chris Hansen’s favorite “Dateline NBC” subject, etc. The railbird who finds you at subsequent tables, even different tournaments, with the sole aim to harass and belittle you.

Only the bad guys in professional wrestling truly want to be hated…being the bad guy puts money in their pocket. In poker, having someone distracted from what they’re supposed to be doing by vitriolic hatred can also be very profitable. Most people, myself included, have tilted off a stack due to, in some part, an E-fight. And it’s fairly obvious some folks come to the table looking for a fight to put their opponents in that state – or at the very least, don’t shy away when the opportunity presents itself. Matusow and Hellmuth didn’t get called “The Mouth” and “Poker Brat” by accident.

I’m not recommending being the guy trying to get under everyone’s skin by being abrasive or confrontational. I think it’s bad for the game. Most people aren’t as good at it as they think they are. And, most importantly, I think the majority of agitators distract and tilt themselves, hurting them more any edge to be gained putting their opponents off-stride. If you’re constantly thinking of the next smart remark or insult, the less focus you have on the game itself.

In a similar vein, if someone is going after you, it’s probably not worth your effort to return fire and launch of volley of insults back. Good sport, maybe, but distracting from the end result. You want every chip on the table, not to put your enemy in his place. If you win the verbal battle, but lose the card war…you’re still out of the game.

I can’t go to my bank and deposit a chat log showing how soundly I thrashed this douchebag who insulted my 3-bet shove with 97 suited.

Don’t get into a defense of your play either. If your opponent can’t understand fold equity, and why you 3-bet shoved with 97 suited…that’s his problem, not yours. If he doesn’t know why calling with KJ offsuit was a bad play, even though he may have been ahead this one time…that’s his problem, not yours. Part of wanting to be liked includes nobody wanting for others to think they’re stupid. In poker, if everyone else thinks you’re stupid, that’s awesome! Why dispel the myth, and give out free lessons in the process?

So, you want to keep the tilted player on tilt for as long as possible, without sinking to his level? Well, think back to The Godfather. This is just business…or, at the very least, gamesmanship. He or she probably wouldn’t be saying these terrible things about your mother or the size of your junk if you hadn’t beaten him in a pot. So it’s not actually about you, personally, is it? If you act like it is, and sink to their level, very little good can come of it.

Try to say as little as possible – just enough to keep the conversation (and his tilt) going, but nothing more. The more you say, the quicker you will use up whatever you have to say, and the quicker his rant will finish. Not good. Respond just enough to prompt the next round of epithets. You want the rant to keep going, even if he’s on the rail. The longer our new friend continues to go nuts, the more likely it is he will remember who we are, and make the same assumptions about our heritage or personal hygiene habits the next time we see them.

The best way for you to keep a level head during this is to be exceedingly polite. Don’t curse back…that’s what he wants. There is a noble art form to killing with kindness. The old adage “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” is often true, and definitely worth pursuing even if it doesn’t hold every time.

Look, I know staying above the fray isn’t always easy. But it’s something we should all aspire to. There’s no need for hate. As John Lennon said, “All you need is love”…and he was The Walrus, after all.