hey guys, its been awhile since ive written anything in this blog and i thought it was high time for an update. i was originally keeping quiet because ive really had nothing to report. the last few months have been the most trying in terms of my poker career. ive really just had final table bubble after final table bubble, and just when i think i cant possibly come up short again, i bubble again. its the nature of the game and i know things will turn around for me if i stick at it. im not going to do what i typically do, which is go over any deep runs ive had and show you how i busted them in an absurd fashion. in reality, what has happened over the last few months has no impact over where i am today or where ill be tomorrow. dwelling on the past only makes you bitter.

you can look up my recent scores through my profile and see what ive done. the only notable things outside of those aforementioned bubbles were 29th in the sunday DNG followed up by a 46th in the sunday million the next week. getting that deep in those two huge tournaments only to bust 10 hours in outside of any serious money stung a bit.

anywho, im sad to say that even after playing for the last 18 months or so on a semi regular basis, i have yet to find a way to keep my emotions in check. by emotions i dont mean tilt, which many people struggle with. i think im way past the conventional form of tilt. i very rarely will yell or hit my desk or anything. ill say 'come on' and shake my head if a bad beat comes, but usually i can let it go because i have other tables going that need my attention. the emotions im talking about are more "emo." after a long session that ends with disappointment ill wonder what im spending all this time for, knowing that 90% of the time ill walk away a loser. do i really want to continue pursuing something where breaking even is a good day? is it healthy to end the day either very disappointed or numb to it all? i dont think so

so thats what really bothers me the most. i know poker is all about the long run, and even with the amount i play now i might go months or years more before i truly see the results i think are appropriate for my skill level (aka i hate that i cant accept the game for what it is). even after all these months i still let it bother me when i have a really bad day. even today during a session i went from "ughhhh :(:(:( i cant believe ive spent 40 hours every week for the last 18 months for this shit" to "meh" to "weeee lets do this" in the matter of an hour. outside of poker i think im pretty emotionally stable, but during recent sessions i have been all over the place. i dont believe ive let this affect my game but its impossible to analyze oneself objectively.

fortunately i have the ability to separate poker from the rest of my life in terms of emotions. i dont let a bad session affect how i treat my family, my girlfriend, or my friends. it just is what it is. i move on. i wish i could maintain this zen mindset all the time when im playing, but its just not that easy.

one of the downsides of becoming so engrained into this poker culture is talking to new people. just looking at my AIM buddy list right now, i have 32 poker "friends" online. to be honest, i think most poker players in general are miserable people. that doesnt mean they are miserable humans, but just that theyre mostly unhappy. at least when it comes to mtt players, most of the time theyre going to be not seeing the results they want to see. lets look at the random statuses/away messages of people on my buddy list:

"self excluding myself from the WQM"
"Sick of running like oprah in heels"
"must be nice"

this is just 3 random ones and there are tons more of people complaining about how bad they run blah blah blah. mtt players are constantly looking for an ear to complain to. someone to vent to and receive a nice pat on the shoulder from along with encouraging words like "hey its ok, even if your results arent there i know youre good."

im tired of hearing these sad sack stories it from other people, and i hate the fact that im guilty of it. im going to try my hardest not to complain to my close group of poker friends about how bad things are going for me because it doesnt accomplish anything. i dont want to be "that guy." id rather be the guy who keeps his head down, his mouth shut, and his mind focused.

on another note, im starting grad school in a month and have just found a 1 bedroom apartment in hoboken that i will be moving to. the next phase of my life is starting and i know that for the next two years poker will be secondary. i'm really looking forward to it and know that i can put the same energy ive used towards growing as a poker player over the last year or two towards my schooling.

/rant