My poker career is hitting new lows everyday, but still there are parts of me that feel more alive than I have felt in quite sometime. I wonder if I am naturally adept to thrive in the worst possible circumstances. Never in my worst prediction would I ever imagine I would be back here again after 2 years, in fact this is eerily similar to last year at this time when I was basically busto. The rest of last year was followed by a series of highs and lows, which I guess after a while you start to get used to if u choose to play this crazy game for a living. Failure doesn't seem nearly as intense as it used to feel, deep down where it truly counts I know in my heart that I will get through these struggling times, my resilience and heart are truly the only two characteristics that I have been able to depend on most of my life. Unfortunately I also have a ton of traits working against me, such as the propensity to just throw caution into the wind and go crazy every once and a while. Afterwords I always find myself picking up the pieces and trying to find answers that just aren't there...

So, I guess the real question is not whether I will persevere through this latest downswing, but how long can I continue living like this? Right now I am doing every possible thing I can do to find happiness without poker success. I have been working everyday on my body and mind, practicing yoga, doing cardio and trying to live a healthier life. The first few weeks are tough though, right now my body is ridiculously sore, but everyday I just keep pushing myself to work through it. That pain I feel my be the absolute best thing I have going in my life right now, because at least it reminds me that I'm still alive. I need to feel alive or else it is so easy to go crazy once again...

So I fight. Against the downswing, against the pain, against the loneliness, and against myself. Honestly I don't know what else to do, I feel like I have been fighting most of my life. I continue to have the faith that in the midst of my fight I will find peace, in whatever form it may present itself. There is some beauty in the chaos of my life, I have seen it before, and I believe I will find it again. I just hope I have the sense of mind to hold onto to that beauty.... otherwise what the hell I am I fighting for?

Its been forever since I updated this blog, but I really felt like I needed to write tonight. I'm gonna try to keep it short, otherwise I could be here for hours trying to find the perfect words for how I am feeling at this exact moment in time... The past six weeks really have tested me in many different ways, and for quite some time I was failing on most levels. Its crazy how we can just get slightly off track, and that small derailment puts us in a new direction that can easily start leading us in the wrong direction...

When I decided to leave my backer it initially took a little time to get re-focused on what I was trying to accomplish in poker. Some people might say that my biggest accomplishment in poker up to that point had been actually getting such a reputable backer, and to just abruptly leave out of the blue would just seem crazy. Especially when I wasn't exactly set up financially to continue playing at the stakes I was backed for. These people may have a valid point, but there were quite a few reasons I decided to make this change, and I did not come to the decision lightly. The bottom line is that there is always going to be some initial doubt and trepidation once such a big decision is made, and in my honest assessment of myself it affected me negatively for a little while...

I am very lucky to have a very strong support system in poker, and after a little while Andres reached out to me and we talked about why I was struggling. He convinced me to put in a ton more volume on UB playing smaller tournaments to book some profitable sessions and get some confidence back. Luckily I had the sense to listen to him and slowly I started to turn things around, primarily playing the 45 man turbos that run at 15 and 45 minutes past the hour. I was still without that elusive first big score back on my own, but I was gaining confidence again and I knew it was coming soon... And then in a flash my focus just collapsed right underneath me...

It was Friday night a few weeks ago and I was getting ready for a weekly session with my poker group. I had just a very enjoyable dinner with family and was just feeling great, better than I had felt in a long time. Minutes before the session was about to start I got a call from one of my best friends, and the news was really really bad. I don't want to go into too many details, but one of my best friends was in the wrong place at the wrong time, got into some serious trouble, and is likely going away for a very, very long time. It was devastating, we just aren't blessed with that many true close friends, and to see this happening to one of my closest and the damage that its going to do to his family sunk me into a bit of a depression. Needless to say the next few sessions I put in on the poker table were completely worthless, and last Wednesday night I finally decided it was time for an extended break until I could find the neccesary focus to get back on the right track. I haven't played since....

This last week really has been one of enlightenment for me... I rediscovered one of my passions, yoga, and after a few sessions I am seeing life more clearly than I have in a really long time. Its crazy how we just abandon things that we really love, and then once we get back into them we can't remember why we ever stopped. In all honesty it really doesn't matter why I stopped, all that matters is that I am back in the moment now, and I really believe this is a huge first step to getting me back on track to maintaining the focus that I need to be successful. As I get back to playing poker again tommorow, I do so with a renewed focus and completely different mindset. The only goal is to work on focus and staying in the moment, I truly believe everything else will build off of that...

Well, this ended up being long after all, but thats okay its been a while and I had a lot to say... I am going to make a genuine commitment to update more frequently to report on my spiritual journey and how it shapes me as poker player and a human being. Thanks to all those who continue to support me and believe in me and good luck to all my friends on their own journies...

Once again I find myself here starting it all over again. After a long deliberation, I finally made the decision to leave my backer and play on my own again. It was a very difficult choice, but something I really feel I need to do in order to take the next step in my poker career. I have nothing but gratitude towards my former backer, but I believe ultimately some people are just not meant to play backed. I never really felt comfortable with the situation, and quite honestly I just did not make enough money this year to be giving up 50% of what I made. Essentially all it had become was safety net, albeit a very expensive one. I'm not gonna lie, it can be really scary without that net, but it is also exciting and motivating. Its time for me to find out what I'm really made of, and that certainly sparks some life inside of me that I know has been missing over the last few months....

Last night was the first night playing on my own, so I decided to just play really small. The highest buy in I played was a $26 on full tilt, and I mostly played $8 and $11 tournies on stars. My bankroll is big enough that I can afford to play a bit higher, but I really just wanted to get my feet wet and get that first night out of the way. Naturally I airballed everything, but my game feels solid and it is only a matter of time until I break through....

I woke up this morning with the feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but also with butterflies in my stomach. I am nervous and excited for the future, 2011 is really going to be a defining year for me. After two years of studying and grinding, I have made a slow and steady progression that has led me to this moment, and now it is time to take this moment and run....