My poker career is hitting new lows everyday, but still there are parts of me that feel more alive than I have felt in quite sometime. I wonder if I am naturally adept to thrive in the worst possible circumstances. Never in my worst prediction would I ever imagine I would be back here again after 2 years, in fact this is eerily similar to last year at this time when I was basically busto. The rest of last year was followed by a series of highs and lows, which I guess after a while you start to get used to if u choose to play this crazy game for a living. Failure doesn't seem nearly as intense as it used to feel, deep down where it truly counts I know in my heart that I will get through these struggling times, my resilience and heart are truly the only two characteristics that I have been able to depend on most of my life. Unfortunately I also have a ton of traits working against me, such as the propensity to just throw caution into the wind and go crazy every once and a while. Afterwords I always find myself picking up the pieces and trying to find answers that just aren't there...

So, I guess the real question is not whether I will persevere through this latest downswing, but how long can I continue living like this? Right now I am doing every possible thing I can do to find happiness without poker success. I have been working everyday on my body and mind, practicing yoga, doing cardio and trying to live a healthier life. The first few weeks are tough though, right now my body is ridiculously sore, but everyday I just keep pushing myself to work through it. That pain I feel my be the absolute best thing I have going in my life right now, because at least it reminds me that I'm still alive. I need to feel alive or else it is so easy to go crazy once again...

So I fight. Against the downswing, against the pain, against the loneliness, and against myself. Honestly I don't know what else to do, I feel like I have been fighting most of my life. I continue to have the faith that in the midst of my fight I will find peace, in whatever form it may present itself. There is some beauty in the chaos of my life, I have seen it before, and I believe I will find it again. I just hope I have the sense of mind to hold onto to that beauty.... otherwise what the hell I am I fighting for?