In my mind, it's hard for me to call myself a poker player.

When I think of poker players I think of young guys walking around in flip flops and basketball shorts, unshaven, trying to keep their poker face on as they go take a leak.

I've never really thought about whether or not I was really a poker player. From the time I was a kid I just thought I was one. I couldn't even beat half the people I played against. I lost often. I just always seemed to have money for the next buy-in or CD. A dollar for a Coke was much more readily available when I started playing cards. If I owed anybody anything I could direct them to any of the six or seven people who owed me money. It felt natural.

I never thought about "this guy kicks my ass all the time, how could I ever be a pro?" I probably should have asked what the hell was wrong with me when I thought I could go pro. I played tournaments and cash games at this friend's house for years before I won a single tournament. I got my ass handed to me by all the adults.

I don't know if I was delusional or just socially retarded. I just always thought I could make money from poker.

It all grew out of such an immense love for the game. I got crap from a lot of people at my high school because I always had a poker book. It was all I could talk about. I watched every single poker program on TV. I played every day at school and after school. The night I turned 18 I came home from the card room at 6:00 AM, finished a paper in an hour, and went to high school.

I was also just desperate. I went to a well-off school and guidance counselors and teachers seemed hell bent on convincing me if I didn't go to the University of Washington I'd be useless. I was told kids who went to community college weren't serious and rarely graduated to do anything.

That was a good strategy for the school. It was full of kids whose parents could afford to put them in a good college, and if they went to community college they were often just lazy. For a kid whose family really couldn´t afford it however that might not be the greatest approach. I should have been aspiring to transferring from a community college into a university, not being discouraged from it.

I just didn't think there were many options for me going into the real world, and poker seemed so wide open. Pocketfives had all these stories about 18-year-olds becoming rich. I wanted to throw myself into it.

I quit my last job when I was 18 after putting six months of expenses in a savings account outside of my bankroll. I'd made $7,000 that month at poker and $1,200 at my real job. I was just out of high school and I was making that kind of money. I was cocky. I was ready. It was time to take the plunge.

And the first three months I didn't make a cent. I lost a ton. I went nuts, drinking constantly, having nervous breakdowns. I had to move out of an apartment I was sharing with this girl, because she had a good reason to not feel safe around me.

Then I had a really cool roommate and a new place, and I started studying every day. Things started clicking. I made a couple grand the first month grinding SNGs. It was enough to get my confidence back. Months later I was playing most MTTs online and doing the APPTs. Then I went to Korea, then Malta, then Costa Rica, and on, and on...

But the whole time in my head I was wondering - how the hell did this happen? I just was playing in the school halls at lunch, then I'm travelling all over the world, and I was still a teenager.

I knew I should be grateful, dumbfounded at my luck. Instead I didn't feel much of anything. I seemed to be socially retarded and emotionally stunted. Actually doctors later would tell me I had development problems in both areas. I think I've caught up a bit now, but at the time, I was very capable of being depressed, angry, emotional, and childish - but being grateful was way beyond me.

A lot of times I'd be in the place I had at 19 - executive desk, leather business chair, huge monitors, flat screen in the background...

And I'd be like, "who the hell's house is this?"

Downswings came and nearly ruined me. I felt like a fraud.

I got back up again. Way high up, but I never trusted it.

We'd spend our money in my family before it was gone. We'd use the internet and cable till it got cut off. I'd spend my money before someone else could take it. I'd come home and find my things missing.

I didn't grasp possession. Nothing in poker suggested permanence. I never knew if I wasn't just super lucky. There were a lot of guys I looked up to who just disappeared. We were gambling after all.

See Part 2 For The Conclusion

Today I cashed in 4 out of 23 MTTs and 1 out of 5 satellites. I had two deep runs finishing in 13th and 16th and was a race away from the FT in each. So many of the structures on Merge are short stacked enough that there is often a key race in the final couple tables. Obviously this is a vague statement but I believe it to be true.

For example tonight in one of my deep runs I was chip leader with 19 players left. It's folded around to me in the SB and I have Ah9h and 32bbs. The BB has 15bbs and is a decent regular. I think the correct play is a shove from the SB as any shove chart would show. We do not have a strong enough hand to min-raise to induce a shove, and our hand is to strong to fold making a shove the best line. I shoved and unluckily ran into AQ and lost.

In my opinion the play was standard and there is nothing to be upset about. The situation helps me to explain a couple important points. Even when we are the chip leader with some of the structures we are still vulnerable and often the fate of our MTT life comes down to a key race. With this in mind I believe we should be aware of the structures and understand variance. At any point in time we could win several races or lose several races so it would be best to stay level headed and get your chips in as good as possible.

So my first point would be to get very comfortable at short stack play and get very familiar with a shove chart. If we are playing a lot of short stack structures a few important things need to be understood. It is very important to know the stacks of everyone in the hand before you open and have a plan for each. It is also very important to know with what stacks you should be opening, shoving, or re-stealing with. Short stacks can be played optimally and is one of the easiest forms of poker to play correct. Using a shove chart is one of the best way to play short stacks correctly.

My second point would be to fully understand variance and think about the big picture not the results of any one MTT or day. When playing MTTs most good players get in the money around 15%, that leaves 85% in the loss column. That simple statement should make it very easy to understand why keeping our emotions under control is improtant. It should tell you why we should understand variance. Simple math tells us we will lose about 85% of the MTTs we play so why would we ever get upset at losing? It is so important to understand variance and take a big picture outlook. This is why I talk so much about positivity and emotional detachment. It is important we can give our "A" game during the 85% of losses to maximize our potential during the 15% of cashes and turn as many of the cashes into wins as we possibly can.

LONG LIVE ONLINE POKER!

If you are interested in taking lessons or need any information contact me at variance101@gmail.com and/or visit http://variance101.com/# and http://variance101.blogspot.com.

Oftentimes I get interesting letters in my email inbox. I thought I'd start sharing some of the more interesting ones.

Look for my response to this one in a later blog post. I thought this one stood well on its own.

Hey Alex,

I just read your piece on Bluff Magazine web site. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but I'll offer a suggestion anyway. You'll filter it as you wish.

Suggestion: Don't lend money to friends. Don't invest money with friends. Keep friends and money separate.

It's not new advice. I didn't come up with it. I'm sure if you spend some quality google time, you'll find many people going back centuries who have advised this, and for very good reason.

Usually when there is a ubiquitous piece of advice like this, it's not because people are talking out of their rear end. It's because of millions of tough lessons learned over the years/centuries/millenia.

Not just friends, but even family members, end up never talking to each other again after a business venture goes awry. It's just too much strain on human relationships to mix money and friendship (let alone family). And it totally clouds judgment. Instead of making an objective, arms-length analysis of an investment opportunity, or the credit-worthiness of a borrower, we let our friendship/kinship lead the way. Predictably, many of these transactions end up with lost friendships, permanently damaged family relationships, and of course, most directly, lost financial issues.

I've found the best way to handle this: "Sorry, nothing personal, but I never, ever lend money to friends. It's just a rule I follow. I keep my money and my friendships separate, and both benefit from that policy." (Obviously I'm not talking about lending a friend $10 for lunch when he forgot his wallet, if you know he'll pay you back tomorrow. If he doesn't, you learned a lesson about him which might be worth $10. And sometimes lending small amounts to family members is also different, depending on their track record; travel at your own risk. Let experience be your guide. Enabling deadbeat siblings, for example, isn't doing them any favors. I have a cousin who wasn't a deadbeat, but had terrible business skills. His father and brothers loaned him money time after time for a business that kept struggling until most of his father's life savings were gone, he was in debt to everyone including the IRS, and he moved to another part of the country to start over. Children, when they're young, deserve small helping hands. SMALL. But when they're adults, no one does them any favors loaning/investing them money when no non-family member would. That's a red flag. And if family members often don't honor their debts, what does this say about non-family "friends?")

My brother lost most of his life savings loaning money to a variety of people who stiffed him. The nicest, most generous guys seem to get stiffed the most.

My suggestion for investing money: Fidelity Investments. FSTMX. Fidelity Total Market Index Investor Class (if you have $100K to invest, you can go with Advantage Class, which has slightly lower fees.) This invests in essentially the entire U.S. economy. Way more, even, than the S&P 500. You're not trying to outsmart the experts by picking stocks. You invest in the USA and just forget about timing the market and picking stocks. 30 years from now you'll have a huge pile to retire on. Fees are extremely low. If you want to diversity into bonds, gold, short-term money market funds, whatever, you can do it there. It's clean, available onlline, safe (insured), and you can keep your investments and your friends separate. You'll hang onto both of them a lot more successfully this way. (I don't work for Fidelity or anyone, for that matter. I'm 62 and retired.)

Not sure why I felt compelled to spend 10 minutes writing to a stranger. I guess you seemed like a real nice guy from your post; maybe you're an axe-murderer, but it didn't seem that way! Thought you could use this alternative viewpoint. It might save you a few hundred thousand dollars over your lifetime, and dozens of friends too. And by the way, I agree with your assessment of gamblers. Even if I often broke the rule of loaning to friends, which I don't, I would underscore and print the rule in red when it comes to gamblers. Even supposedly successful gamblers. Grab your wallet and RUN AWAY!

Best regards,
Kevin

My Plugs: Check out my vids at Pocketfives Training, contact me for lessons at assassinatocoaching@gmail.com, see other stuff I write with my friends at www.pokerheadrush.com, and follow my Twitter at TheAssassinato