This is the first of a week-long series of posts titled "On This Date," in which I fabricate important events in US history.

[SIZE="3"]October 19, 1983 - The Scented Toilet Paper[/SIZE]

Phillip C. Charmin had been enjoying the fruits of his toilet paper conglomerate for the better part of half a century. The Wisconsin-based company had been the number one selling tissue paper for 12 years running. With competitors copying their every move and the American public buying rolls by the dozen, it appeared Charmin and his Fortune 500 enterprise had a comfortable cushion at the top of the toilet paper business.

But there was one nagging problem Charmin - along with every other toilet paper company - had yet to address.

"My fingers always stunk," Charmin says. "It didn't matter how many sheets of paper I used, after wiping my ass, I could not rid my hands of the rotting smell of feces. It was cloaked on my fingertips. Not the feces itself - but the overwhelming pungent smell."

Charmin and his team immediately began searching for answers. At first, they went with a thicker ply, and then doubled the number of plies per roll. Both ideas proved ineffective.

"Thickness was not the answer. The stench was always able to permeate from the buttocks to the fingers," Charmin said.

The team then tried using different materials other than cotton: latex, rubber, even plastic. No matter how thick the toilet paper was, or what it was made out of, test subjects always returned with a putrid-smelling index finger.

"Think about it," Charmin said. "When a man scratches his ass, even through a thick layer of denim and a pair of boxer briefs, the smell is always transfered to the fingers. When man smells his fingers, he is able to determine exactly what his ass smells like."

After five years of unsuccessful trials and exhausted analysis, Charmin was almost at his breaking point. With the French bidet (a low-mounted sink intended to wash the inner buttocks and anus) quickly gaining rise in America, Charmin knew he had act fast.

"People don't know this, but toilet paper was on the verge of extinction in the early 80's. People were sick and tired of their hands smelling like shit all the time," Charmin says. "We were so close to giving up."

But then, on an early October morning in 1983, a young man by the name of Charles Redding walked into Charmin's office and revealed the discovery of the century.

"He came in and said to me, 'I have the answers to your problems,'" Charmin said. "I had no idea who this kid was or what he was talking about."

Redding, a 22-year-old engineer who worked for Charmin in his factory, told him of the time he spilled a bottle of aftershave on a roll of toilet paper. Rather than throwing it away, he let the toilet paper air dry and stuck it back on the holder two days later. Upon using it, he noticed afterwards there was no horrid smell on his fingertips. Instead of shit, his hands smelled of Old Spice.

"It was genius," Charmin says. "All the hours and money we invested in this thing, and here's a kid who accidentally discovers the answer by spilling some cologne in his bathroom."

Charmin rounded up his team - now joined by Redding - that morning and immediately got to work. Tests were crude at first, with rolls of toilet paper lightly sprayed with perfume, but the end results were significant.

"The subjects were walking out of the bathrooms smiling. We all were sniffing their fingers. You would not have known those hands were wiping an ass just minutes earlier," Charmin said.

"It was the greatest day of my life. Five years of searching and we finally found the answer: scented toilet paper."

Within a week, general stores and retailers were stocking their shelves with the new toilet paper. The ass of the American public - along with the index finger - was never the same again.

"Hey honey, come smell my lemony-fresh ass!" - Some stand-up comedian that I cannot remember

nice poast slugger

 

Originally Posted by timthegem

Give me creativity over the Wiki copy/paste any day. I know I'm among the few, though.

doubt i ever read anything slugger posted in those threads

 

Originally Posted by Donkey Kong

sluggers old "on this date in history" posts were far more awesome

good read nontheless

Slugger actually does posts with writing!?!?

 

Originally Posted by Donkey Kong

sluggers old "on this date in history" posts were far more awesome

good read nontheless

this...hot pics tho

I dunno, here's some critique of the submission. As a former prose editor for an underground magazine that you've never heard of outside of my SN... I will challenge you to take it to a 2007 level.

(giga - keep in mind, I'm doped up on medication for a serious chest cold right now, so if I somehow insult... forgive me)

1) First Impression - He's trying too hard... I've wiped my ass with leaves in the woods and my finger didn't smell like shit.

2) Completely left out the Vagina angle. Stinky vagina is hilarious.

3) Missed out on scented dingle-berries joke.

4) Its a bit too long. It seemed to drag in the middle section (perhaps b/c you missed out on a vagina joke). Less is more, you know it.

5) I'm going to PM you a request for a future one of these that I think has potential.

Really cool post. I didn't think I'd enjoy it, but I did.

Tl; dr

Thank you Mr. Redding; next time I'm lucky enough to be eye to eye with some young lady's pooper, you're the one I'll be thinking about.

lol awesome.

I like where this thread is headed

gold

You're preaching to the choir my brother. I've been getting complements on my Blue Lotus flavored anus for a couple years now.