After three, maybe four years of dependable service, my pillow finally wears out. Literally becomes flat as a pancake. So, no big deal, right? Every department store in the world carries a shitload of pillows. You just go to the closest store, walk over and grab the pillow closest to your hand, pay for said pillow, problem solved….

So I first go to Kohl’s, which is where I remembered I bought the pillow I’m replacing. I had the brand name of the pillow from the tag, so I was going to get the same pillow. Nope. They don’t carry that brand any more. Okay, I grab a nice soft, fluffy pillow and take it home. After 30 seconds I realize this pillow sucks. The squishy synthetic crap in the pillow is so soft when I lay my head on it the displaced fluffy crap puffs all up right in my face so I can’t breathe.

No biggie, I take the pillow back and swap it for a “Medium” density pillow. I lay on it for about two minutes and quickly realize this medium density is really no more firm than the first pillow as this one also fluffs up when you lay on it and it’s just as smothering as the first.

Yep, I take it back and go for the gusto, a “Firm” density pillow. Now I’m really looking forward to this pillow, because I’ve only been getting a couple of hours of sleep a night during this search for a suitable replacement pillow. Every night I’ve had to get up and dig up the old, flat pillow and put it back in the pillowcase because, as bad as it’s become, it’s still owning the new, overly smushy pillows.

But the firm density pillow also sucks. It’s about 8 to 10 inches thick, which is neck-breaking, and this fucking thing has no give whatsoever. Like sleeping on a pillow made of Styrofoam bricks or something. Now I’m getting cereally pissed at this whole process and I’m sure the old bish at the Kohl’s exchange/return department desk thinks I’m running some scam on the swaps or something.

I decide I’m just expecting too much from buying low-budget pillows, so on this exchange I step up and buy a Chaps (yeah, fucking designer pillows these days ffs) pillow. After 10 minutes of deliberation, I opt for the “Medium” density, thinking the soft density is obviously still going to be too soft, and the firm density would still be too hard, so medium density in a more expensive pillow has to be an epic win. Wrong. It was not only still too soft, it was even thicker than the cheap pillows, so it was like trying to sleep on a two-foot-thick stack of cotton balls.

This time I just get a refund, thinking I will probably have better luck if I just start over at a completely different department store, so I head to Macy’s. They have a great selection of pillows, most of which were kinda pricey, more in the $20 to $50 range, about double what I’d been spending for the various pillows I’d gotten from Kohl’s. After so much FAIL with the synthetic micro-fiber crap, I decided it was time to step up and get back to nature, so I buy a nice queen-sized feather pillow.

I quickly learned that feathers were replaced by synthetic micro-fiber crap because feathers just go flat when you lay your head on them. The feathers are soft, yes, but there’s no fucking cushion to them. Of course I take it back and go back to the micro-fiber type, this one labeled “Medium-Firm.” Okay, can’t go wrong now because this one is NOT going to be too soft, too firm or too flat…

I really have high hopes for this pillow because I’ve lost so much sleep I’m ready to star in a “Dawn of the Dead” sequel with no eye make-up, and I’ve gained so much pillow-evaluation experience, it’s almost a certain WIN. You guessed it, this pillow was not much different than the medium-density pillow from Kohl’s, plus it’s twice as expensive, so I’m not going to pay more for something that isn’t going to give me a decent night’s sleep.

I decide to go back to Kohl’s, it’s cheaper and closer to my house if whatever I buy this time turns out to be another dud. I walk up and down the pillow aisles, hoping to spot something I’d overlooked before, hoping against hope that I would finally found something that would actually work. I had a huge “Ah-ha!” moment when I spied a high-dollar “Memory Foam” pillow! Yes, it was going to cost me $30, but what the hell, I’m starting to hallucinate from sleep-deprivation, the evil bish at the exchange desk is probably going to have me pepper-sprayed and removed from the store if I show up there again and I’ve spent enough on gas running back and forth with all the pillows to have bought a complete new bed, mattress, box springs and set of “Martha Stewart’s Finest Bedding.”

I’d been really excited about a couple of the previous pillows, but this deluxe “Memory Foam” had me salivating with anticipation. After six excruciating hours, it was finally time to hit the hay. I lay down on the “Memory Foam” pillow, and omfg, it’s actually comfortable. There was just one small thing I didn’t like, and that was the tendency for the pillow to let your head sink down just enough to get in the way breathing through my nose. I solve this by placing my arm right in front of my face to keep the foam squished down.

The next few hours are filled with some of the most weird dreams you can have and not be certifiably insane. Don’t ask me what the dreams were all about. Who the fuck knows. I just know that they were crazy and not in the least bit peaceful, relaxing, rejuvenating, etc. I chalk it up to being uber tired from all the sleep I’ve missed, so I vow to stick with this Memory Foam because it’s by far the best of all the pillows I’ve tried.
So over the next couple of days, I’m still waking up three or four times a night with these crazy dreams and now I also notice I’m waking up with a pretty big headache as well. WTF? I finally figure out that the foam has a strong chemical smell to it. Whatever the foam is made of has fumes that are very strong and that’s what’s causing my headaches.

Welp, no choice but to ditch this fucking toxic bundle of nightmares and head back to Kohl’s to face the wrath of the bish at the exchange/return desk. She gives me a side-long look as I get to the window and I wonder if she’ll hit the concealed “Security Emergency” red button beneath the counter and have me dragged to the exit. But seeing my blood-shot eyes and the haggard lines on my face, I think she lost her nerve and was afraid I’d go postal and shoot up the store if she made a suspicious move.

This time I couldn’t just get a refund because I’d thrown my receipt away after the first night, thinking I was going to keep this pillow. No doubt wanting to safely get home that evening to husband and grand-children, she allowed me to return the pillow for a store credit. I’d paid $29 for the pillow, but when she rang it up, I ended up with a $37 store credit. I admit I didn’t point out the difference to her. She seemed very anxious to get to the next customer and I was too tired to point out the mistake. I go back down the pillow aisles once more, but this time I already know I’m not going to find any pillow that I’ll like. But I’ve got to find something there, because I now only have a store gift card and can’t go anywhere else. I try a different brand of “Medium Firm” and leave the store.

That night was the same story, this pillow is no better and no worse than all the other micro-fiber pillows I’d already tried. Another night of groping around in the dark bedroom trying to swap out among three or four old pillows that weren’t any better, just slightly different in what made them uncomfortable to sleep on.

I took that pillow back and got yet another store merchandise card in the exchange. So now I have two gift cards worth $37 but no pillow and no further hope of getting one from Kohl’s. I leave tired, disgusted, my face so haggard and my eyes so blood-shot little kids are darting behind their mothers in fear as I go past them on my way to the parking lot.

My g/f is with me and she wants to go by Wal-Mart and pick up some sewing items or something, so I go in with her, not really hoping I’m going to find a pillow I can deal with, but too desperate to not at least see what Wal-Mart has in the bedding department.

I come upon another “Memory Foam” pillow, but this one has a thicker cover. Maybe thick enough so the toxic, nightmare-causing fumes won’t be able to penetrate so easily. And this one is only $19, so it’s cheaper than the Kohl’s memory foam pillow and I no longer possess the strength or the hope of finding a micro-fiber or feather pillow I can live with.

So, after a two-week saga of epic failure, I’m typing this and wondering what awaits me when I go to bed tonight. I admit I don’t have much hope, but I dare not contemplate the repercussions if I don’t get any sleep tonight because I’m starting to have flashes where I’m planting an Improvised Explosive Device in the pillow and tossing it into the lap of the evil bish at the Kohl’s exchange/refund desk, just to watch the horror creep over her face when she realizes she was right and I am a violent psychotic who wants to end her Christmas this year with a real, honest-to-God bang.

Wish me (and her?) much luck tonight all you OT’ers who managed to hang in to get to the end of this rant/sad story.

 

Originally Posted by mdshack14

I had no idea that someone could write so much on pillows.

Also,

Another high-quality thread contribution from mdshack. I guess you're too stupid to notice I warned this was very long in the thread title, huh? No surprise there.

 

Originally Posted by 2Slick4u

Another high-quality thread contribution from mdshack. I guess you're too stupid to notice I warned this was very long in the thread title, huh? No surprise there.

Get some rest buddy.

my wife buys me thin extra firm pillows, for stomach sleepers

I have a hard time finding pillows I like, too, so I feel your pain :( I actually like flatter pillows. Many nights, I just forgo the pillow altogether and just sleep with my head directly on the mattress. I know, I'm weird. Good luck! I hope you find a pillow that makes you happy and get some much-needed rest!

 

Originally Posted by mdshack14

Here are some pillows for you



But seriously, this is probably the pillow for you
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B002AUQUC0/?tag=047-20

Hey, I took a look and that pillow looks awesome! Especially like the little channel where you can put your arm underneath and it doesn't cut off the circulation. I may end up getting that one, depending on how this goes tonight...
Thanks for the link, brah. For real.

 

Originally Posted by JoeSexAppeal

You gotta stop puttin the pillow on a pedestal.

You sound like one of those people who have no trouble getting to sleep, staying asleep and waking up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. My g/f is like that. She can fall asleep in less than five minutes and is out cold until the next morning. As you get older, you sleep less, get less rest when you do sleep and wake up frequently. So something seemingly as inconsequential as what pillow you're sleeping on DOES become a lot more important.

no worries

My wife and I use goose down pillows we got as a gift from her parents

they are fucking epic (side sleeper here as well)