Well what is it?

I am around quite a few not-so-classy women on a regular basis lol, so nothing really catches me offguard with exception to one experience I had. I've had girls ask me to choke them, spit on them, smack them, etc etc. HOWEVER, about a year ago I took this chick home and she asked me to PUNCH her, no joke. Straight outta the heartbreak kid movie with Ben Stiller, this broad asked me to closed fist punch her. I couldn't bring myself to do it so I smacked the shit out of her and she loved it and wanted me to do it some more.

Lets hear it!

Doggie style. If you put socks on their paws and hold on tight, they can't scratch you as much. Also, make sure you're on carpet so they don't slip and slide on the hardwood floors.

Not the weirdest - just funny- this one happened Friday...

The lady friend that I've been seeing recently comes over after a night of studying. We start getting it on and after a few minutes are in my fave position - 69, her on top.

Things are going great and we are both really getting into. Needless to say, one of her hands starts to make its way down to my sphincter. Now, past experience has taught me that women will finger you in the anus if you will let them. Phish420 does not let them. I kindly proceed to remove her hand from my sacred area and casually let her know that Im not into that. I get no response, but it does not kill the mood.

After things get pretty heated up and I know she's ready, I proceed to begin intercoursing her.

However, much to my dismay I notice that... Houston we have a problem.

As I begin working it, I can feel something lodged in my buttcrack next to my private spot. It is not a pleasent feeling. I was able to harkin back to my toddler days when I shit my diaper and the poop dried and felt really crusty, sticky, and just straight up nasty. What the hell was lodged in my ass? Shit? Fuck! No fucking way! Not now! Please God, no!

I did not despair, however. I know that I am a man of proper personal hygeine and there was no way that I could shit my pants and not know. Further, I have masterred the art of asswiping and knew that it was not possible for dried dookie to be in my buttcrack. Umm.... But could it? And if it was, it could not be pleasant for her... FML!

But WTF could this be? I was perplexed to say the least. In a nonchalant manner I informed the misses that something was, in the words of MRCasino, "amidst." Something was rotten in Nottingham. We needed to take a brief respite.

Well, I get up and reach around to the crack of my ass, and what do I find? A piece of gum that she had conveniently forget to take out of her mouth prior to our escapade. Now, by this time the gum was intertwined with my ass hairs. Therefore, I had dingleberries made of gum. Removal was rather painful.

Upon informing her of the situation, she proceeded to laugh hysterically and tell me that she was searching for the gum when it fell out of her mouth, as opposed to trying to massage my prostate, b/c she knew in advance what was going to happen.

Anywho, not weird, but mildly humorous.

LOOOOOOL Phish post more

My weirdest experience was when I had sex with a bipolar chick. One second she was enjoy it, the other she's punching me as hard as I can. I got pissed and left half of my clothes in her room. I had a friend go pick them up the next day to avoid ackwardness

Joe Stapleton told a hilarious story on the Twojacksinthehole.com radio podcast where he said he picked up a girl at the bar and whent back to her place. As they were getting into it the girl asked if he was into strange stuff and he played along for a bit, and the girl asked him to make a sandwhich for their elderly asian neighbor, jizz in it, then go deliver it to him. And that was the only thing that would really turn her on... lol.

I can relate to ya here kidrockin...

A couple of years ago I was "dating" a beautiful young woman. She was half Cuban, and half Venezuelan. God I miss her body. I don't think I ever went anywhere with her, and didn't see every guy within eyeshot breaking his neck to look at her ass.

Anyhow, I realized after a couple of sessions that she wouldn't open her eyes during sex. She would lay there, throw her arms over her head, grab onto whatever she could (pillow, headboard, nightstand...) and turn her head to the side and close her eyes. Of course, I thought nothing of this at first, and had an ego bigger than the bedroom telling me she needed to brace herself...(hey, let me have my delusions!). Well, that got old after about 2 weeks. I finally broke down and asked her why she wouldn't look at me during sex. She wouldn't answer, and avoided the question. I thought it was all good. I mean, she would have her hands all over me, and make out with me/kiss me in the living room and such...but in the bedroom, when it came to intercourse she was a different person.

I ended up finding out from her Aunt, that her step-dad used to rape her when she was a little girl. Her mother knew this happened, and is still married to the piece of shit. Not only her, but her sister too. I was so fucking pissed when I heard this, and wanted to do some serious bodily harm to "Junior". When we would be at her Aunt's house, and her step-dad was there, I coulnd't look him in the eye anymore. If I did, I'd want to kill him.

So, anyhow...this girl ends up being a coke head, and I couldn't get her off it. When we met, she wasn't like that, and she was clean. She started going back to her sister's to visit, and the visit turned into a weekend...etc. You know the drill. Addicts will be addicts. But damn she had the tightest vag I've ever had the pleasure of splitting!

One time I actually had sex with a woman who was still alive....

Damn that was insane. I wasn't used to all of the moving and breathing and stuff that went along with it!

Holy shit phish, that was a funny ass story.

"Phish420 does not let them" lololol

I'm banging this 42 yo fitness instructor (my first cougar) and things are going really well. Well we're in some weird sideways position and it's time for me to draw a map of Hawai'i on her stomach. So I pull out, and right as I am she urgently yells "NO" at me. So I'm like "It's a little late for 'NO means NO' bish" so now I decide to aim higher. So she starts kicking at me and pushing away with her feet, obviously not wanting any part of what I have to offer. This makes me want to paint her even more, so it turns into an all out war, her on her back kicking me, me with my dick in my hand, trying to dodge her feet and get a good angle, which doesn't help the orgasmic process, mind you.

Well she was very strong and I couldn't land it on her. So in the end, whoever stayed in room 103 at the Super 8 in Spokane the next day and layed on top of the comforter was the loser of that battle.

On my honeymoon , my wife got 3 of her friends to come over for a wild orgy, man that woulda been great if i would have been able to join in or watch, cause that coulda been my craziest exprerience.

PM PTownBrad.

I was working with a dance band several years ago. This elderly lady bought me several drinks throughout the nite (i wasn't elderly at that time). I sat with her to say thanks for the drinks, etc etc, she was a nice lady. She asked me if I wanted to come back to her place after and she would cook me up some cabbage rolls. I said, wow thank you so much but i drive to the gigs with a couple of the guys in the band so it wouldnt work out. She said, no problem bring them all back to my house and I will cook you all cabbage rolls!!! I was like .... wow. Thanks. Good nite.

cliff notes:
she was older, i was younger
wanted to take me back to her house to cook cabbage rolls
then offered to do a cabbage roll feast for the whole band
there was no sex, but it was the next best thing

Definitely not my weirdest but one prob my scariest.

i used to bang this girl from thailand that was an exchange student. She was pretty hot but she spoke terrible english. It actually was pretty cool, no phone conversations, no nagging, just late night phone calls and sex most of the time.

so anyway the first time she calls me to meet up she says we can't go to her apt as her friends all have people over, I still lived at home at the time so i pick her up and basically drive around looking for a place to park. We park in this Kmart parking lot and start messing around. Everthings going great and its getting good when i unzip her pants and start to slip my hand down there. I get right to the borderline of the underwear when her hand comes down and gives me the dreaded "iron claw of death". I've seen this move before, and usually the best solution is to just go back in 5 minute increments until they just give up and let you go to town. Seriously, most of the time they want it and just need to get over some weird self-consciousness issue or something.

Anyway, So I keep going back and she keeps dissing me, I'm shitfaced drunk and dont know whats going on, as this girl is practically naked in the super Kmart parking lot, I've got my cock out, but still she is acting all weird. So Im like "what's wrong?"

She drops the following bomb on me " I rearry want to have sex but I have a penis"

At least that's what it sounded like. The color drained from my face, my heart started racing, so I start flipping out yelling at her, "What THE FUCK are you talking about?" all infuriated.

Then she clarifies it with some explanation. She was saying " I have a period" , as in she is "on" her period and just mispronounced it like she did everything.

Needless to say, hearing a girl say something that sounds like that, its gg boner.

Engrish FTW.

loooooooooooooooool