I would like some opinions or thoughts on a current life situation. I will try and just make some point form notes so It is not too hard to read.

1) 4 years ago my girlfriend and I left our home town for my job. It was 2 hours away but the money and opportunity could not be passed up.

2) after a little more than 3 years my GF lost her job, two weeks later I lost my job as well due to cutbacks in the automotive industry.

3) We really didn't know what to do. We had a great life and were making a ton of money and all of a sudden it was gone. Basically we had two options.

option 1= I was offered pretty much the same job I had, but it was even further away from our friends and family than we already were. We were both already not thrilled about being so far away to begin with. I feel I was lucky at least to have this opportunity and we really didn't think we could turn it down.

option 2= After hearing the news GF's parents called and said we should move back home. They knew we missed being home and offered to let us stay with them until we got back on our feet. They said we could stay in their basement...which is huge and finished and had plenty of room. They stated they did not want any rent from us and that they really wanted to help out as they understood it was a rough time.

4) Well after thinking it over we decided to move back home. I had never really thought too higly of her mother as she was not very supportive of GF in the past. She had kicked her out whe she was 16 which I think is sick.. However they had seemed to be building a solid relationship in the last few years.

5) We were both kind of nervous as we had no idea when and where we would find a job. It was very hard to turn down the job I had been offered but felt moving closer to family and friends would be better in the long run.

Well this is where I would like some thoughts. We moved into there house right around Christmas, and not even 2 days later her mom had told GF that we need to pay $400 month in rent. I had explained to my Gf that I was going to throw her parents a couple hundred bucks a month even though they did not ask for it, as I did not want to feel like a free loader. The fact that they said we could stay there for free and 2 days after movng in changed their minds really pissed me off.

It is not about the money. We made a big decision based on all the information we were given, and the information was a lie.

Anyway...within 2 months we had both found fullt time jobs pretty much the same jobs as we had before. I am making the same amount of money as before and she is actually making a little more. 3 weeks ago we bought our 1st house and move in at end of July.

Living with her parents had been horrible. The relationship between GF and mother has really gone down the drain. GF has asked me to stay out of it as it would just create more tension, but it's getting to the point where I am going to snap. The following is a list of quotes that her mother has said to her since being back home,

- I hate you, I wish you were never born
-I wish I took the pill, than I wouldn't have had you
- you disgust me, you are out of the inheritance, I never want to see you again
- I will never forgive you for being so disgusting
- none of your siblings even like you, why are you in this family
etc, etc, etc

Just to be fair I know my GF can be a little too opinionated once in a while. However I feel these are things you should never say to your children. Her father brushes it all off and says don't worry about it or that it's not that bad. It has gotten to the point where her mother does whatever she can to piss us off. My GF works midnights and during the day when she has to sleep her mom will crank the radio, stomp around and actually go into our room and yell her name and than just walk away.

Sorry for long post, I have left a lot out as I am sure not too many will read it all as it is.

Basically is it right for me to tell my GF that I do not want her mother to ever step into our house, see grandchildren if any. I have told my GF that if she ever treats our kids this way she will be out the door. I also understand it is still her family and the decision should probably be up to her. She acts like it doesn't bug her but every now and than I find her crying or really upset about the things her mother says to her.

Any thoughts on what to do? if anything

kick her in the twat

This really sounds as though the mother is harboring ill feelings towards your GF. Frankly, the mother needs counseling.

As to your question about setting some rules.

#1) If you are going to marry this woman (your GF). Good lord man, sit down and talk to her. Explain what you have seen and your feelings about it.

#2) Listen to you GF. Once you start out with #1... you are going need to do #2. Your marriage will never last if you cannot talk, and listen.

#3) Come up with a plan together... its a relationship for crying out loud.

#4) Act like an adult when you talk to GF. Plan it out, and make sure you don't sound like an idiot child bitching about her mother.

#5) GL, you'll need it.

op, u seem to have a good head on your shoulders. i think that whatever decision you come to will be the correct one. and i also applaud you for forwarning your gf that you will not tolerate your children being treated this way.

best of luck

wait until you are ready. if moving out of your girlfriend's parents' basement scares you right now, don't do it, wait.

I think the key here is how does your gf respond to her mom when she says these things? Her response is the key.

Tekiller...

Are you asking why family should be trusted? Not sure if that's what you are addressing or not.

If so.... I really don't know how to word it but in my family we would do anything to protect each other. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters and we would all take a bullet for each other.

We made a life changing decision to accept her parents offerat their word. Not really sure how we could have predicted how it would turn out. Maybe she could have, but I really didn't know them that well and maybe wrongly assumed family's were supposed to be better towards each other. And although it has not gone well I still feel it was for the best. We found good jobs, we have bought a house and are back with our friends and my family.

That's the thing, Swift. If he's finding her crying it's definitely buried in there. She's glossing it over. The only problem is that he can only stand up so much for her. She's gonna have to let her mom know that her behavior isn't acceptable (prolly when they move out) and there will be consequences if her mom ever hopes to have a healthy relationship.

Out of curiosity, does her mom only treat her like this or the other siblings also?

Wowswift

I am really not sure if her mom hates me or not. up until a few weeks ago I really didn't witness the actions first hand. I had been told what was going on by my GF. I even doubted how bad it was and told my GF she was probably overreacting.( which i feel like shit about now) Her mother does a very good job of only doing this when no one is around. But one day for whatever reason she started it while I was there. I was downstairs and could hear the two of them.

GF had asked her mom where the birds that we had bought her mom for Christmas went. her mom started explaining how she let them go because they were a gift from my GF. Than proceeded to expalin how she didn't want to ever see her, she hated her. bla bla bla. When I went upstairs GF was crying on the front steps. I went out to talk to her. Her mom came out and started on her again and I said" Can you stop, I think she has heard enough" Her mom's reply was " you be quiet" That's really the only time I have gotten involved.

To answer another question. My GF's response at this point is to just try and walk away and tell her mom to just not talk to her. Knowing my Gf she probably at first stood up for herself, probably even gave a few shots back. But know she is just sick of hearing all the crap.

There must be a reason why its just her. Something deeper is going on. I don't know how much your gf has told you, so who knows. I also wonder if her father would step in if your gf said anything. Sounds like the mom is a psycho. Like I said, I know this situation. Mine changed though, and I'm not forgiving of my mother, but I'm cordial and I don't hear the shit anymore, but that could be also cuz I've moved far away, twice.

There really isn't much you can do when you really think about it. It is up to your gf. Probably the best thing would be to go to some counseling, but I have a feeling that won't fly. What probably will happen will be your gf will get sick enough of it that she will cut off her ties. I really have a feeling its going to be better when you guys move out. But it won't really solve anything. Even if the mother doesn't do anything bad again, the damage is already done to your gf really.

I know you say her father just brushes it off, but have you sat down, just the two of you, man to man, and hashed out the situation? Obv her mother is horrible (perhaps seriously damaged), but he is abdicating his duty as a father and a man by not rectifying the situation. Depending on the relationship you have with him, I would take him aside, alone, and tell him that the current situation is absolutely unacceptable, and not just the living situation. Explain that his wife is making the life of the woman you care most about in the world a living hell, and he is doing nothing. Explain that she is at a breaking point. Most importantly, explain that you WILL NOT BRING ANY GRANDCHILDREN INTO THAT ENVIRONMENT. EVER. If the prospect of being cut off from the grandkids doesn't get some action, it's clear he's as big a problem, if not the main problem, and it's better you both move on and don't look back.

 

Originally Posted by Magnet Steve

I know you say her father just brushes it off, but have you sat down, just the two of you, man to man, and hashed out the situation? Obv her mother is horrible (perhaps seriously damaged), but he is abdicating his duty as a father and a man by not rectifying the situation. Depending on the relationship you have with him, I would take him aside, alone, and tell him that the current situation is absolutely unacceptable, and not just the living situation. Explain that his wife is making the life of the woman you care most about in the world a living hell, and he is doing nothing. Explain that she is at a breaking point. Most importantly, explain that you WILL NOT BRING ANY GRANDCHILDREN INTO THAT ENVIRONMENT. EVER. If the prospect of being cut off from the grandkids doesn't get some action, it's clear he's as big a problem, if not the main problem, and it's better you both move on and don't look back.

This was my thought too. Go out for beers or dinner with the dad and discuss it alone, man to man.

I think the Dad's a pussy and not worth the time, although it may help if he puts down his foot and the daughter does too. He's just as much at fault as the mom for letting that stuff go on.

For all those saying...

"you will never see the grandchildren again"

plain stupid...threats never work in situations like this.....they will only strain the relationship more...

Don't threaten anybody...just do what is best for your family. Let the mother figure out what consequences she will have to or is enduring.

Hey again guys,

Thanks for even more advice, appreciate it.

To answer Magent's question.

I have tried to talk to her father and it has not gone well. He refuses to admit there is a problem. He says that they are both just confontational, which I would not argue with. I tried to make a point that there is a difference between having an argument and saying hateful things towards your child. My GF told her dad the other day that I told her if she ended up like her mom and treated our kids that way that I would leave her. ( because that;s what I told her) he laughed and said I would not do that. I immediately looked at him and explained I would do that , and that he needs to understand that this is not normal.

As far as Preston's response. We are moving, we will be 45 minutes away from them, which is not too far but should be far enough. And there was no way of knowing that moving there was going to turn out like this. If I felt it would have been like this I would not have taking her there. But you do make a point, she is my Gf and I should protect her. I think I have made a decision that we will be staying in a hotel until our house is ready in two months. If I can convince her to stay with some of our friends who have offered than maybe that would be better, and cheaper but I don't think she would go for that.

"IMO...you spent too much time worrying about your friends and family at home and not enough time thinking about whats best for you and your future wife and future life."

Just because her family has turned out this way does not mean I am going to sacrifice my relationship with my family and friends. We get along great with my family, and we BOTH are happy we get to see the friends we have back home more often.

And I do place just as much blame on her father for letting it happen. I would like to knock some fking sense into him, but that would just upset GF even more. The couples times he has said something to his wife she has not talked to him for days or has got in the car and "went away" for a few hours. He has no balls and that cannot be changed.

Thanks again for advice