Here is a couple of the gems.

PHILHELLMUTH: I should have 50k right now?
<SPAN></SPAN><SPAN>HOSS_TBF: maybe if you started with 200k? . . .

http://hoss-tbf.livejournal.com/18125.html

</SPAN><SPAN>
<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: hoss Im having scurity review this session first time ever</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: thats the truth</SPAN>
</SPAN>

He's baaaaaack
It's been a while since I've posted, but I hope you'll find it was worth the wait. I played a long session on UB tonight with Phil Hellmuth and another player, turnthecaroff. Frankly, I'm not sure that Phil could win if the cards fell his way. They didn't.

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: but now I'm going to punich weakness</SPAN>

<SPAN>??PHILHELLMUTH: and your over plays will get me even?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: OVER PLAYS!!!!!!!!!!?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: OP!!?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: what a joke</SPAN>

<SPAN>as he says this, we are dealt a hand where it goes cutoff raise, phil rr the button, i call in bb, co calls</SPAN>

<SPAN>flop comes KK8, phil and i cap, other guy folds</SPAN>

<SPAN>turn is a 2</SPAN><SPAN>--</SPAN><SPAN>i bet, phil raises, i rr, phil . . . folds
</SPAN>

<SPAN>
HOSS_TBF: OVERPLAYS!</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U or me?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I had 7-7</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: guess that answers that question </SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U called 3 cold</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: in BB</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: OP</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: OP</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I luv U guys keep it up</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: crunk would have 30k less if deck broke even</SPAN>

<SPAN>?HOSS_TBF: phil you'd have 8 million less if deck broke even</SPAN>

<SPAN>?TURNTHECAROFF: true story?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: u morons cannot even play LH right, how U gonna beat </SPAN>

<SPAN>we then play a hand where the flop is jt6, we cap the flop, phil bets and i raise turn</SPAN>

<SPAN>river is a 6, phil checks, i check my J5 behind</SPAN>

<SPAN>he shows 96o for trips</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: phil you see what i check behind last hand when you make 666</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U such a moron I make those checks everyday</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: tons of times</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: but i do them while actually playing well</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: raise and bet every street?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: what a joke?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: this ***cin moron turn firing OP MF</SPAN>

<SPAN>??PHILHELLMUTH: OP everyhand?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: **** ?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: brutal</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: I never hit vs the moron</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: fuyck</SPAN>

<SPAN>f?PHILHELLMUTH: RWGHwwshnjEDTYuj</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: 35WR</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: AE?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: G</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: GRT?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: GHR?PHILHELLMUTH: TH</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: RT?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: ETY</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: NJ?PHILHELLMUTH: DTYY</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: ******* op IDUIOT</SPAN>

<SPAN>??PHILHELLMUTH: wtyf?</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: there is a program called mavis beacon teaches typing which ?
HOSS_TBF: i found very useful and you may as well?</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: i SIT AND PLAY SUPER GITH AND MORON PLAYS EVERYHAND AND\</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: STILL WINS EVERTY POT</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: **** YU 2</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: ER</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: THI ISNT POKER</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: wheres the math??????????????????</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: this isn't aupposed to happen</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: phil, this is sincere: maybe you should do your breathing </SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: exercises</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: i honestly do not want you to have another panic attack</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I really should</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I might </SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: you are a nice guy</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: but I ran four miles and feel great</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: but U right I do need to settle down</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: just beat after beats seems unbleieavbel</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: steamed me up way too much</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I prob need meds, never takin em before though</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wtf sick</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: coolers and ****?</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: QJ vs 88 J on flop is really a cooler?</SPAN>

<SPAN>(Phil capped the flop, raised the turn and bet the river with 88)</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: what U thionk>??</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: i think it's a coinflip?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: rreverse flops I scoop[ em both with BEST hand as usual?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: BEST hand syndrome I have?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: made me millions?</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: instead you lost both with worst hand??</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: i wonder if they gave out anti-bracelets?</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: how many you would have?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: yeah</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: what a joke?</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: OP??</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: moron gets every raise in when tiny favorite</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: pathtetic play</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U horrible</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: KK for me</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: nice 3 bet</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: this is ridiculous</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: 6-5 vs KK</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: y'all are so awful I feel like ****</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: you're a silly goose</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: how the **** U guys get away with it?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: why U three bet with 6-5?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: OK</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U wanna play bad so be it</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: Ill play even tighter</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: sweet heavens xmas has come early</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: In guess I wouldn't have deca millions without bad players</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: sure you would</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: but you wouldn't have the millions without television</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: time to pay</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U guys almost took my spirit with those moronic moves</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: but then I rmembered</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: lol</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wow U two are special</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U have no pride</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: thats why I win</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U did it again man well done</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: QQ AK beat</SPAN>

<SPAN>we then play a pot where i have Tc9c, and flop open-ended straight flush draw:<SPAN> </SPAN>jc 8c 4h, we cap the flop, i checkraise blank turn, river is another blank, i bet, phil calls, shows KTo for the win with K high</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: cause you just another OP</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: cause you don't deserve it</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: whos worse phil me or hoss?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: obs hoss is worse</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: hahahahahaahhaha</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: but you have gotten away with murder</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: its like hoss tryinmg to lose</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: ]hahahahahaha</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I give U zero action hoss</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: and U still take ace rag and win every pot</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U beat my QQ and my AK</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: and U hit mirca;ces</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: ALL THAT, and I will beat you for 200K by end of year PROMIS</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: cause you just another OP</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: 66k in front of U, PEEEUUUU sir</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: its semlls bad from ehre</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: zero acrton from me</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wow how tilted are U man?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: what a sucker</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: plqys every single pot</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: and pays off like a slot machine</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: lolololol</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: *exactly* like a slot machine</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: opay</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: pay</SPAN>

<SPAN>(i've boldfaced the best line of the night)</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: no way?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: what a ****** night?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: thats OK</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: just keep up the OP suckers</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wow look at these beats u put on m,e</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: I dont understand?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I play only AJ's and</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: and U guys saw them up with A-9s?

PHILHELLMUTH: I should have 50k right now?</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: maybe if you started with 200k? . . .</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: no action we see if u hit your hands son</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: Im a folding machine</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: then i stick U!!!?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: this is such BS?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: ****?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I let you dummys go off</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: and play every hand like a moron</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: and I'm losing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<WBR>!!!!! !!!!!!!</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: sick?</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: fold folf fold</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: I fold every button</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: and every small blind</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: and then U morons beat A-J?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: or AK</SPAN>

<SPAN>?PHILHELLMUTH: makes me sick U have no patience, no game</SPAN>

<SPAN>now we play a hand where i open the button with TT, it gets 4-bet back to me with phil in the big blind, flop 872, phil and i cap, other guy folds</SPAN>

<SPAN>turn is a 9, phil checkraises and i call down. i win when phil shows A9, he then says . . .</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: so sick</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I sit here on the sideleines folding </SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: like an 11 time champion</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: and y'all just get lucky</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: folding folding folding </SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: finally he picks up the 3RD BEST HAND in a 3way pot</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: Im waiting for my 50k run, gonna happen quick as bad as y'al</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: OP hands</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: i'll win so quick its scary</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: are you ****** kidding me</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: yeah I got colleed</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: you were drawing 2 3 outs the whole hand phil</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: cooler agauin and again</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: yes dummy, ace has to hit when I slow play preflop?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: it came for me to lose max</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: keep slow playin those ace rags phil</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: here we go</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: thast right run me over lol</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: roflol</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: some sick stuff boys, but my turn coming</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: when i win 50k str8 are u gonna tell me how lucky I am?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wow this so brutal</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: monkey</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: I'M THE MONKEY!?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U are so bad its scary</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: but the deck saved U so far</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: never seen a guy win with 10-4 off suit more than you</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: i prefer the term "10-4 doublesuited"</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: and that's because you LIMP ACES (and check back the flop)</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: lol</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wtf</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wow value bet a three to the river</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: moron</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: moron</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: lol'</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I eman wow</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wow</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U make a lot of good checks vs me hoss</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I better have em look at this session, security</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: well, U either totally outdrew me all night or U bluffed a F</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: few</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I saw a bunch of yiour hands when I had ace high and U won e</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: m all</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: VNH</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: i can see the steam phil</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: lol</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: Idont steam against bad pl,ayers</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: who on this site would you call a good player phil?</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wow amazing</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: hoss Im having scurity review this session first time ever</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: thats the truth</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: lololl</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: hoss is playing well vs me</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: wp hoss</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: he is supposedly a great player phil</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U morons beat AQ KQ KJ and more in the last few minutes alon</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: **** this</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: gadwr</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: \q4th6</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: how in fusk hell</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: do you get away with this ****</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: LOLOLOL</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: one of the most brutal sessions of my life</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: cause I stayed strong</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: and showed top rate hands all night</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: hahhaha</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wow every hand I get ****ed</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: well Im going to fight back</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: wow all night olong same ****</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: U do win the max but U will lose the mqax as well soon</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: WP</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: you really playing your heart out phil</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: You ******* moron</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: and i cannot hit a pair and flush draw vs you</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: i dont mind being a moron with ALL YOUR MONIES </SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: ******* idiot</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: how long that gonna last?</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: nh</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: even if you get me tonight, I'll show you the nuts all year </SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I mean wow</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: you'll see them, too</SPAN>

<SPAN>HOSS_TBF: cause it'll go check check check check check check</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: OK no more chat from me</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: sure just **** me over hand after hand</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: this isn't funny anymore</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: Im gonna enjoy my revenge</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: lol</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: I had KJ</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: lol</SPAN>

<SPAN>TURNTHECAROFF: hilarious phil</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: yes they found a queen for ya'll</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: congrats this is my biggest loss in two years playing online</SPAN>

<SPAN>PHILHELLMUTH: Limit holdem</SPAN>

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD><H4 class=P5_PostHeader> <TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=center><TD vAlign=top align=left rowSpan=2> </TD><TD align=left colSpan=2><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>Re:Phil Hellmuth Tilting Hard vs HOSS_TBF Comic Gold </TD><TD vAlign=center align=right>In reply to </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR><TR><TD align=left>By skeeze666 on 03-12-2009 10:31 AM </TD><TD align=right>Reply Quote Delete Edit </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></H4> <TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD class=P5_PostContent><TABLE height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=ForumPostContentText>Please make these posts in PD... nobody gives a fuck here
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR><TR vAlign=bottom><TD class=P5_PostFooter><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=P5_PostFooter_Item>Report abuse </TD><TD class=P5_PostFooter_Item>Quick Reply </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

The comic genius in his rant is too good for PD so please read it before you post your hate...now stfu and gtfo.

 

Originally Posted by skeeze666

Please make these posts in PD... nobody gives a fuck here

i disagree the mavis bacon line was worth it by its self

funny post OP

This isn't Off Topic at all, I'm confused.

Forum Rules

isn't PD just for the posts that are Titled......

25 dollar bankroll what should I be playing

My first big MTT win

300 Dollar bankroll what should I be playing

Heading to Las Vegas what are the best tournies to play

Finally shipped another MTT

etc.....

 

Originally Posted by haleike

The post was made in OT for comedic purposes. There is absolutely not one shread of poker theory or strategy in this thread. So those of you with a sense of humor, please enjoy.

true

it is just a poker player acting like a comic genius unintentionally while playing poker

it's Gold Jerry Gold!

 

Originally Posted by skeeze666

Please make these posts in PD... nobody gives a fuck here

Hellmuth types like WAR in a 10 cent game.

Popper you forgot which is better CR or Pokerxfactor

LOL funny shit ... def belongs in OT.

i'm glad turnthecaroff is a friend because it makes this that much funnier

Man, something about Phil erupting on life tilt that just brings the biggest smile to my face, ahhh, Madoff got carted to jail today and then I read a thread on Phill going monkey tilt, life is good.