<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=center><TD align=left colSpan=2>Shampoo + Monkey Spankage = Inconceivable Pain <INPUT id=ctl00_ctl00_ctl00_bcr_bcr_bcr_ctl01_P5_FilterTo ggleButton1_ctl00_ctl04 type=hidden value=0 name=ctl00$ctl00$ctl00$bcr$bcr$bcr$ctl01$P5_Filter ToggleButton1$ctl00$ctl04> <INPUT id=ctl00_ctl00_ctl00_bcr_bcr_bcr_ctl01_FavoriteTog gleButton1_ctl00_ctl04 type=hidden value=0 name=ctl00$ctl00$ctl00$bcr$bcr$bcr$ctl01$FavoriteT oggleButton1$ctl00$ctl04> </TD></TR><TR><TD align=left>By shanetrain22 on 05-24-2007 12:47 PM </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE> <TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD class=P5_PostContent_Main><TABLE height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=ForumPostContentText>I think the title pretty much sums up what I'm going through right now, but I feel obligated to go into further detail... not for sympathy nor for attention, but because I'm a good person and I don't wish this pain on ANYONE. And sorry for the lengthy post, but I'm bored and at work obv...

I wake up Sunday morning, hung over and alone. My girlfriend has been in NJ for a wedding since Friday night and won't be back until this coming weekend, so after 2 days without sex I'm definitely playing with my tool more than usual. But at this moment I really feel the urge to just rub one out real quick and then go the fuck back to bed and hope this alcohol-induced migraine disappears.

Gazing around my room I start searching for this bad ass cocoa butter lotion that my gf bought (she doesn't know I use it to choke the chicken sometimes). Uh... WTF? It's no where to be found. Moments later my bed sheets, pillows, bookbag, clothes, etc. are all randomly scattered about my room because I am searching EVERYWHERE for this shit... but apparently my bitch of a gf brought it with her to NJ (she can expect the worst titty twister of her life when she gets back to Columbus). So at this point I'm pissed off and sweaty from destroying my room... and then I see something, shining like the holy grail, laying on the back corner of my desk: a bottle of Suave shampoo... Sea Breeze scent obv.

Overjoyed by my discovery I snatch (pun intended) the glorious bottle of hair cleanser, take my shorts and boxers off, sit in my online poker/jerkoff chair and start going at it. OMG it's never felt this good before! Fuck my gf, she's not half as good as this shit. Hey wait, I could bottle this stuff myself, label it as lube, and make trillions off it (hangover? destroyed by my current happiness). What a great day this is turning out to be.

A short while later I do my sploogin and let out my patented groansighgiggle. Ahhhh, life is good. The rest of my Sunday goes splendidly and I don't have a care in the world. Or so I thought....

...Monday rolls around and I'm slowly awakened from my nude slumber by my alarm at 9:30am so I can get to my 10:30 communications class (my only class of the day... sweet!) My eyes begin to open and I start to stretch my arms... but they won't fuckin move. WTF? I try to move my legs and they're totally stiff as well. Uhhhh, what is goin on!?!? I finally get my arms to move and I immediately throw my bedsheets off myself. I look down at my peter and OMFGGGGG!!! It looks like it's been dipped in a god damn pot of hot grease! WTFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!! My fuckin dong looks like it's aged 90 years all by itself! AND OMG DOES IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!! GG SEX LIFE!!!!!!!! So I reach down and touch it, just with the tip of my nail, cuz it feels totally numb. Great idea. Just barely touching it with my nail feels like I'm stabbing it with an icy pitchfork. God this sux. I can't even move because any kind of friction against my cock makes it burn like hell. End life asap...

...Now it's Tuesday and I look like hell. I've basically been laying in my room for 2 straight days, moaning like a whore cuz me and my knob are in horrific agony. And no I didn't even go to my communications class yesterday... no way in hell was I going ANYWHERE... and I'm not going today either. Fuck school. Fuck Suave. When I walk, I have to make sure my dick doesn't rub up against my leg... so every step I take isn't straight forward like normal, it's significantly slanted outwards... so basically I'm walking like a fatass bohemouth with a leafy stick up his ass. F this...

...It's Wednesday, wooofuckinhooo. Well I guess one good thing is, it doesn't look like I stole my dick from the Crypt Keeper. But here's the bad thing: my cock skin is starting to come off. It's literally FLAKING off of my shaft in thin, ghostly white sheets of horror. At this point I feel like sprinkling these pieces of dick skin in a box of Frosted Flakes and sending it to the god damn CEO of Suave. Yeah, they're grrrrrrrreat cocksucker, I promise. And when I rip each piece off, I feel a whole different kind of pain than I was experiening the past three days. Before it was a reallyyyyyy soar, aching, throbbing pain. Now it feels like I'm ripping off thouasands of dried up bandaids from my shlong...

...okay, it's Thursday (today) and I'm finally feeling a lot of relief. The frosted dick flakes are gone and now I sit here with what can only be described as a fragile raw weiner. Friction doesn't hurt like hell anymore and I can now walk in a straight line with ease. With any luck I'll be able to get a boner by the time my gf gets back in town... so I can stab her right in the eye with it for not leaving that cocoa butter lotion here.

Moral: DON'T EVER JERK OFF WITH SHAMPOO!!! (and I'm guessing any similar type product should not be used either, such as conditioner or those shampoo-conditioner-in-one porducts... I used to think that shit was a fuckin bargain). IT WILL DRY THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR DICK AND YOU'LL BE INCAPACITATED FOR DAYS!!!

-shanetrain22 </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

sigh

edit: sigh again for bumping.