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Hey all this is long but please bear with me,
I know these posts are very very common but I feel I need to make it public to make sure I follow through with what I need to do. I am quitting poker. Not for a week, not for a month but for good. I'll give my background and story and I welcome comments (preferrably supportive but anything is fine). I will only check for about a day or so and then I'll stop looking at boards and remove myself from the poker world.
I am a teacher. When people ask me what I do I say I teach. For a while I said I played poker and taught...for a while I was making 6 figures a year playing cards. The problem is not me losing. The problem is me playing. I used to be an active, fun, energetic person and while I still am for the most part, poker has taken alot of these qualities away from me. It is an addiction like any other and I cannot handle it well (my father is an alcoholic and this is a very contentious issue with me). I have an amazing family who I love and who loves me and poker has taken alot away from our relationships. This is not something I ever wanted to happen.
I have battled depression for as long as I can remember and it was only recently that I finally got the courage to seek professional help. I spent much of high school in a dark state of mind with thoughts of suicide not being uncommon. Poker it seems brings out these emotional states in me as well...even when I win sometimes I am miserable.
Recently I met a girl. I fell instantly in love with her and she with me. Things seemed very very good and it looked like I found my future wife. A week ago she ended things and I didn't understand why (yes I know...you are all thinking this is all about a fucking girl and I'm some giant sissy...that is not true...it took this to open my eyes to the person I've become). I was completely heartbroken and reentered the darkness that I once felt in highschool. I have come to realize that a big part of why we broke up was because I missed every signal she sent about us and what she wanted/needed because I was so focussed on poker. If I wasn't playing I was reading boards or talking about hands with friends. It slowly took over my life and I no longer want it. I want to be Brian...no longer pearljam1012 (it fucking scares me when I get called that in Vegas by fellow online guys...I never really thought about the oddness of this until my last trip a few weeks ago...I am Brian and I want to be Brian...no alter ego needed). It took me hitting bottom via heartbreak to realize the harm that poker has done to me.
This will be very very difficult for me but I know it is something that I can and will do, because I need to. Again, I thank anyone who sends support and I appreciate all thoughts and comments.
Brian
"Life Wasted" - Pearl Jam
You're always saying that there's something wrong.
I'm starting to believe it's you're plan all along.
Death came around, forced to hear it's song
And know tomorrow can't be depended on
Seen the home inside your head.
All locked doors and unmade beds
Open sores unattended
Let me say just once that
i have faced it, a life wasted.
I'm never going back again.
i escaped it,a life wasted.
I'm never going back again.
having tasted, alife wasted.
I'm never going back again.
the world awaits just up the stairs
leave the pain for someone else
nothing back there for you to find
or was it you you left behind?
You're always saying you're too weak to be strong.
You're harder on yourself than just about anyone
why swim the channel just to get this far?
halfway there, why would you turn around?
darkness comes in waves...tell me,
why invite it to stay?
You're one with negativity
yes, comfort is an energy
but why let the sad song play?? ???
i have faced it, a life wasted
i'm never going back again
oh i escaped it, a life wasted
I'm never going back again
having tasted, a life wasted
i'm never going back again
oh i erased it, a life wasted
i'm never going back again -
Posts: 8,797
Joined: Apr 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 2:49am) in reply to pearljam1012
good luck buddy
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Posts: 1,471
Joined: Jan 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 2:51am) in reply to pearljam1012
Damn you were one of my favorite players.....can i please have your MTT skills now that you dont need it anymore? Good luck in your future endeavors sir.
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Posts: 604
Joined: Feb 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 2:57am) in reply to thefuture021
I share a lot of your sentiments. As soon as school starts up again, I am through with poker as well. This read has actually inspired me. The more I think about it, the more poker has consumed my life .....and I really don't like it.
Thanks and Good Luck -
Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 05Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 2:57am) in reply to pearljam1012
Best of luck to you. I hope all goes well...
God Bless -
Posts: 1,154
Joined: Mar 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:04am) in reply to pearljam1012
Brian, you were one of the first players I ever watched online. I remember the first tourney I railed was won of those 150 top tlb players tourneys about a year ago. You actually chatted with me and told me what tourneys you recommended. That really opened my eyes to the whole online scene. You do what you feel is right, and don't listen to anyone else. This isn't about poker, this is about life.
To a well respected person, good luck buddy... -
Posts: 2,202
Joined: Feb 05Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:10am) in reply to webb10king1
Brian,
Whatever you do, be at peace. It sounds like you are so that is great. Good luck in the future. Go get your girl back. -
Posts: 625
Joined: Feb 07Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:11am) in reply to pearljam1012
Brian .... You are an amazing guy. I feel fortunate to have gotten to know you over the last year and a half. You helped me grow as a poker player immensely and I will always be thankful for that. I am happy to hear that you have made a decision that seems to bring you the inner peace that you have been looking for. I know you will have success in teaching and everything else you do in life. You have an amazing family behind you for support and I wish you nothing but the best in all of your life endeavours. You will be missed in the poker world but I know you have great things in store outside world as well. Your plans are grand and I know you will follow through with your dreams. Thanks for everything you have done for me. On a scale of one to awesome, you are awesome! ;-)
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Posts: 824
Joined: Feb 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:14am) in reply to pearljam1012
It takes courage to leave something you have succeeded at in order to become a better person.
Your life is truly just beginning,
gl -
Posts: 11,770
Joined: Apr 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:23am) in reply to murf99
Met you while I was dealing at mgm, and talked to you online before....very nice guy. You will find success in whatever you choose to do. Good luck man, all the best!
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N 82 50 24
herp derp derp
Posts: 8,598
Joined: Jun 05Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:23am) in reply to murf99
Good luck Brian. I first remember hearing about you when you won the TLB way back in the spring of 2005 and soon after you became active on PSCrew. I know we don't talk all that often on MSN, but feel free to contact me if you ever want someone to talk to or need help/advice. Oh, and thanks for the NETELLER help back in January! :)
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ur an excellent player, and seem like a nice guy... don't let some cheating bitch bring u down, and definitely DO NOT quit poker... lol wait a second do whatever the fuk u want lol nice post tho and i feel ur pain, people in this world are fukn losin it, no ones got morals values loyalty or decency... wait a minute, neither do i, i forgot where i was going with this. Oh yeah, listen up sir, teacher is a great job and what im gonna do if i lose all my money in poker, if u feel like life is better without poker, then by all means do yo thang, but not cuz some girl broke up wit u (and i know u put the quotations saying its not about a girl) kinda like that, wait a minute, is ur whole post and pearl jam an allusion to poker. are u an english teacher? wow that'd be cool, nah i think u just got dumped im not sure.
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Posts: 11
Joined: Dec 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:29am) in reply to pearljam1012
all the best Brian, puts things into perspective, all the best mate, LIFE is goood especially when you appreciate your loved ones, take it easy.......When you feel depressed get outside walk, run enjoy the simple things...........
enough sensitive stuff.......all the best....... -
Posts: 2,396
Joined: Jul 05Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:34am) in reply to pearljam1012
Im single right now and I play alot. I recognize the fact when I do meet someone that Im definetely going to have to compromise when it comes to playing. Im hoping I'll be able to say I'll play 10 hrs a week max. Good Luck
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Posts: 185
Joined: May 07Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:39am) in reply to pearljam1012
Brian, why I never got the chance to know you, I understand & applaud your decision; self awareness is something very valuable, and the first thing, that will help you change your situation, your way of life (in this case).
Poker, while being an awesome hobby, that makes you lots and lots of money (if youre good), makes for lonelyness...I began to take up poker as a diversion, and means to create some extra income, but if i ever found the girl i wanna be with, I wouldnt risk that relationship for ANYTHING, not for several thousands of dollars...
I wish you best of luck, and side with the guy who said "get your girl back" - It may not be too late, try to phone her, and get her into having a coffee with you, telling her of your decision to quit poker, and ask for a second chance; tell her about your self evaluation, and that you now know, what you did wrong in your relationship with her.
Or write a letter. She may be hurt, she may not want to talk to you again, but then again, she loved you, so she may at least want to hear your side of the story.
Try It, you have nothing to lose & You can only win !
On all accounts, I hope you find the peace youre looking for.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU & PEACE OUT !!! BEAT -
Posts: 63
Joined: May 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:44am) in reply to thefuture021
I was just having a coversation about relationships and personal goals tonight and how ive almost given up on my life goals at least twice because of a girl. In hindsight you see things differently. Im a hobbist with poker but making music is my passion. Its different but its not. With music your always on tour, on average 7 to 8 months a year and finding someone that can live with you being gone that much is very tough and would take a toll on any relationship but ive dreamed my entire life of doing this. So really is it selfish to follow your dreams? Ive done some amazing things and am glad I didnt miss out on them because you only live once. Having someone that understands that and loves you for it, is a beautiful thing.
Either way good luck to you Brian. -
as for the life thing totaly similar
as for the 6 figures thing, proabably never will i see me making that from poker
as for the girls i have got fed up with relationships and havent had a gf in 3 years never have i ever got more laid than i do now, what gives ?
as for the quitting poker if youre quitting while ahead, good call and enjoy your endeavours :)
as for me i will keep playing, tilting, running bad until i get lucky once or twice enough so to do the same as your footsteps ..
gl and gg :) -
Posts: 512
Joined: Jul 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:49am) in reply to RyanLangz
I think is wonderful how honest you are being with yourself and I wish you the best.
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Posts: 12,163
Joined: May 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:56am) in reply to pearljam1012
GL Brian.
See you next week! -
Posts: 2,262
Joined: Jan 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 3:57am) in reply to Mr_BigQueso
good luck to you! having found what was causing a problem in your life... now it will be that much easier to start to make your life the way you want it. I wish you all the best!
--tc -
Posts: 804
Joined: Sep 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 4:10am) in reply to Princip
wow langz u get laid once every 3 months now that ur single? good for u!
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Posts: 7,381
Joined: Oct 06Jul 20th, 2007 (7/20/2007 4:23am) in reply to four6suited
I recently got out of a almost 2 year long relationship and hasd a similar realization that you had. I am nowhere near the player you are, but while away at school and injured and unable to play hockey (why I went to that school), I just played poker and talked to my gf and basically did nothing else. Now that I no longer speak to her, I found myself going out alot more and enjoying doing other things besides sitting at my computer all day. I've been going thru depression and thoughts that you have mentioned as well and I found that when I surrounded myself with my friends, started working out and toned down my poker to a maybe 1-2 hours late at night when im bored, i've felt a ton better about everything.
I'd say quitting for now to get yourself back on track is the way to go, but you can always come back, just get yourself situated and have fun, if you come back and play occasionaly sometime down the line then you do, if not, then its all good too.
all the best of luck to you.
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