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Law and Order, P5s Division, The Imper1um Investigation, Thrilling Conclusion!

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  1. Bond18 Bond18 is offline

    Melbourne
    Australia

    Posts: 241
    Joined: Oct 06

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 12:15am)

    <span>In the Pocketfives justice system, all defendants are extremely guilty at the moment of accusation, but considerably more guilty after confession, after which theyre pretty much just hated on for a while. These are their stories.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>*While the jury is in seclusion, the crowd chatters and mumbles about the events that have taken place. Some argue about what the interview will say, whether Imper1um should be banned, and whether it was acceptable to out Andy Mcleod. Judge Adam sits in the center looking exhausted, while Imper1um shifts nervously in his chair, sweating profusely. Bond18 stands up from his seat and begins to address Judge Adam</span><span>*</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Bond18: So uh, Judge Adam, with Andy Mcleod being banned and all does that mean hes taken off the rankings? Like, do I become number 1 in Australia, by default and what not?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: Yes, I suppose so.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Bond18: Sweet! A whole continent! I cant wait to call everyone Ive ever met about this, boo yah!</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: Uh, I really dont think theyll care.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Bond18: Oh yea? Just wait until they see the trophy Im gonna build myself. *He walks out of his row and down the aisle towards the exit, pumping his fist in the air* DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT!</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>*Somewhere in the audience Timex puts his hands on his head in despair</span><span>*</span>

    <span>Timex: God, why did I back that fucking idiot?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>*The jury reenters the courtroom from seclusion</span><span>*</span>

    <span>Judge Adam: Jury, have you reached a verdict?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Speaker: We have not your honor. We are at a deadlock.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: I see. This trial will be postponed until further evidence can be presented.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Inissint: Is that even allowed?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: Hey, just roll with me here okay? *He knocks his gavel* Court dismissed.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>December 5<sup>th</sup>, 9:26pm, Pocketfives Courtroom </span>

    <span>*Judge Adam knocks his gavel*</span>

    <span>Judge Adam: I recall to order the case of the People vs Imper1um, 2007. Mr. </span>

    <span>Yourtimeisup of the prosecution, it has come to my attention you have a highly pertinent witness?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Yourtimeisup: Thats right your honor. The prosecution calls poker journalist John Caldwell to the stand. </span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>*John Caldwell walks confidently to the stand with a small recording device in hand. The bailiff comes over with a sheepish look on his face.</span><span>*</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Bailiff: Uh your honor, I seem to have lost our copy of Super System.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: You did what?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Bailiff: But its okay, I brought this copy of Play Poker Like the Pros by Phil Hellmuth, so were good to go on right?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: Youre fired and, upon further consideration, Im also sentencing you to the death penalty for the desecration of this courtroom with your smut.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Bailiff: I understand completely sir. Ill take myself out back and dig a hole. </span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>He exits the room</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: Mr. Yourtimeisup, you may continue.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Yourtimeisup: Mr. Caldwell, I understand you conducted an interview with the defendant.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>John Caldwell: Well Im not quite sure you can really call what I have here an interview.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Yourtimeisup: How do you mean?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>John Caldwell: Well, I feel that this tape is pretty self explanatory. If its alright Ill play this recording I have that Mr. Mizzi left me on my answering machine.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Yourtimeisup: Yes by all means.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>John Caldwell: Clink this link to hear what Mr. Imper1um left on my answering machine(you may have to copy/paste this link into your browser):
    </span>
    http://www.tworags.com/files/imper1um%20confession.wav
    <span> </span>

    <span>Random in crowd: I KNEW IT! I KNEEEEW IT!</span>

    <span>Random #2: FUCKING CHEATERS! IM GONNA MAKE THREATENING PHONE CALLS TO THEIR PLACES OF WORK!
    Random #3: BURN HIM! BURN HIM AT THE STAKE! </span>

    <span>*The headless corpse of BrSavage seems to shake violently for a brief moment.</span><span>*</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Inissint: What? You did it?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Imper1um: Yeeeeeea sorry about that.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Inissint: From now on you tell me everything.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: Order! Order damn it! My lord thats quite a stirring recording.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Yourtimeisup: Your honor, the prosecution has no further questions. As its recently come to my attention that we dont rest after each witness, I guess Ill just go sit my ass down. Your witness defense.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>*Inissint walks to the center of the room, looks up at John Caldwell then pauses, and stands motionless and awkward for a moment before speaking</span><span>*</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Inissint: Man, I am so fucked. I really do rest this time.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: You may leave the stand Mr. Caldwell, thank you for your time. If that is all then at this time I will ask the jury to enter seclusion and decide on a on verdict. </span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>The jury lines up and leaves the room, then returns after quite some time.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: Well that took longer than expected. Has the jury reached a verdict?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Speaker: We have your honor. We the jury, find the defendant, Imper1um, innocent on all charges.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>*Judge Adams jaw drops as Imper1um leaps in the air, does a massive fist pump, then high fives a confused looking Inissint*</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Yourtimeisup: What the fuck is this shit!?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Imper1um: Eat it bitches! I just value bet the jury!</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Speaker: Now if youll excuse us, we have a Mercedes dealership to get to.</span>

    <span>*The Jury stands and quickly exits the court room</span><span>*</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Inissint: You bribed them?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Imper1um: I might be wearing pajamas, but Im sure as hell not poor.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Inissint: Wow. Well, let me just say, as a lawyerI am so proud of you! You found a way to cut through the red tape, youre a true symbol of the self made American dream.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Imper1um: Im Canadian.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Inissint: Who gives a fuck, you guys are just America junior anyway. Conversely, Ill be billing you in Canadian dollars then.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Imper1um: NOOOO! IM BROKE! *He breaks down in tears* WHY GOD!? WHY!? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>*Inissint drags a bawling Imper1um out of the courtroom, after which the stunned onlookers quietly shuffle out, leaving only Yourtimeisup and Judge Adam</span><span>*</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: You think well ever hear from him again?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Yourtimeisup: Are you kidding? Hell probably win a quarter million next week or something. Man all this shit is so stupid and pointless.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Judge Adam: Oh really? Hmm, why havent I banned you yet?</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>Yourtimeisup: You know I wonder that myself a lot.</span>

    <span> </span>

    <span>THE END</span>

    <span> </span>
     2
  2. 3kingme3 3kingme3 is offline

    NY
    United States

    Posts: 3,848
    Joined: Sep 07

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 12:18am) in reply to Bond18

    lol this is great stuff
  3. murf99 murf99 is offline

    Bay Roberts
    Canada

    Posts: 1,948
    Joined: Jun 06

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 12:18am) in reply to Bond18

    lol nice conclusion. I actually thought this got deleted for some reason. It was here one minute and then gone for like 5 and now back again.
  4. Bond18 Bond18 is offline

    Melbourne
    Australia

    Posts: 241
    Joined: Oct 06

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 12:20am) in reply to murf99

    It was, i was trying to fix the link issue since it seems pretty integral. I had to settle on just asking people to put it in the browser.
     2
    Thread Starter
  5. scarface_79 scarface_79 is offline

    Posts: 3,626
    Joined: Dec 05

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 1:16am) in reply to Bond18

    why are u posting here? i thought P5s was a joke, and that u claimed to be the biggest troll in the history of P5s?
     1
  6. AGame18 AGame18 is offline

    Staten Island, NY
    United States

    Posts: 1,076
    Joined: Jan 07

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 1:35am) in reply to Bond18

    <span>Imper1um: I might be wearing pajamas, but Im sure as hell not poor.

    Definitely the best line, vwp.
    </span>
     
  7. stevem1267 stevem1267 is offline

    Milton, MA
    United States

    Posts: 3,711
    Joined: Jun 07

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 1:46am) in reply to Bond18

    bond

    great read
  8. Mayhoon Mayhoon is offline

    Chicago, IL
    United States

    Posts: 126
    Joined: Feb 07

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 1:52am) in reply to stevem1267

    nice one bond, thanks to you there are now at least 2 out of about 20392302034758873 posts on this issue actually worth reading!

    im glad that people appreciate this too, it makes me happy when the majority of p5s can actually come together for a smile about a serious situation. through your satirical posts you have pretty accurately presented an objective point of view, without insulting or presenting your opinion. good job bond, i'd like to see more posts like this, although i must say your time might be better spent on other endeavors! nah good job
  9. vegie_1999 vegie_1999 is offline

    Aalborg
    Denmark

    Posts: 161
    Joined: Jul 07

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 2:11am) in reply to Mayhoon

    bond #1 !!!

    ABSOLUTELY disagree that he can use the time better !!!

    KEEP POSTING PLS PLS PLS
     
  10. eddie24b eddie24b is offline

    MD
    United States

    Posts: 1,290
    Joined: Nov 06

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 2:24am) in reply to vegie_1999

    instant classic!
     
  11. lentes130 lentes130 is offline

    Frackville, PA
    United States

    Posts: 884
    Joined: Feb 06

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 2:29am) in reply to eddie24b

    now all we need is a youtube video remake of that
  12. netgojustin netgojustin is offline

    Winnipeg
    Canada

    Posts: 537
    Joined: May 06

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 2:29am) in reply to Bond18

    once again, great read, wp.

    but on a more serious note... can andy come back to p5's on that account when he turns 18?

    i rly hope so.
  13. Mayhoon Mayhoon is offline

    Chicago, IL
    United States

    Posts: 126
    Joined: Feb 07

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 2:50am) in reply to netgojustin

    good question netgojustin, i feel like out of all of this whole zany situation, andy's dismissal from this community was by far the most unfair.
  14. Bond18 Bond18 is offline

    Melbourne
    Australia

    Posts: 241
    Joined: Oct 06

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 3:07am) in reply to scarface_79

    I conceded biggest troll to Yourtimeisup. I figure i'm 2nd. To offset feeling like one massive elaborate troll, i wrote a large strategy article for Adam that he's putting on the main page soon.
     2
    Thread Starter
  15. rmoriar1 rmoriar1 is offline

    Notre Dame, IN
    United States

    Posts: 854
    Joined: Aug 07

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 3:17am) in reply to Mayhoon

    let down
  16. rizniles rizniles is offline

    Sacramento, CA
    United States

    Posts: 414
    Joined: Mar 06

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 3:20am) in reply to Bond18

    well written. "value bet the jury" is very funny stuff.
     
  17. stevem1267 stevem1267 is offline

    Milton, MA
    United States

    Posts: 3,711
    Joined: Jun 07

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 3:28am) in reply to Bond18

    have nat film this with actors?? one time lee!!!!!!!!!! would be hiliarious
  18. Mr. Blonde Mr. Blonde is offline Supreme Moderator

    Georgetown, DE
    United States

    Posts: 26,918
    Joined: Sep 05

    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 4:57am) in reply to stevem1267

    http://www.tworags.com/files/imper1um%20confession.wav

    ^^^^copy and paste bond....no need to hit html
     
  19. redirkulous redirkulous is offline

    Staten Island, NY
    United States

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    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 5:59am) in reply to Bond18

    <SPAN>Imper1um: Eat it bitches! I just value bet the jury!

    ^^^^best line

    Loved it, obv. Bond, your stories are great. </SPAN>
     
  20. vedder1980 vedder1980 is offline

    Worthing
    United Kingdom

    Posts: 7
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    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 9:30am) in reply to Bond18

    Good stuff sir.. Made me laugh obv but this one didnt nearly make me choke to death like part 1 - i dont think that could have been beaten to be fair;)

    Stu.
     
  21. Princip Princip is offline

    Denver, CO
    United States

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    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 9:36am) in reply to vedder1980

    sf good
  22. satcheldog satcheldog is offline

    Scottsdale, AZ
    United States

    Posts: 1,306
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    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 11:55am) in reply to Princip

    Rank Bond 18. What, he's already ranked?? Never mind, just enjoy his posts.
    TY sir.
  23. eddie24b eddie24b is offline

    MD
    United States

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    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 3:00pm) in reply to satcheldog

    how plz tell me how?
     
  24. Diggs Diggs is offline

    Nanaimo
    Canada

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    Dec 11th, 2007 (12/11/2007 3:07pm) in reply to eddie24b

    Gold Jerry, Gold!
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