To all players who have encountered the situation, or some variation of it.<SPAN> </SPAN>Not to offend any of the talented youngins on the site, but I would like the responses to be post college experience, since college times tend to sidetrack on many tangents and influences.

Here we go, I am a 28 year old from NY.<SPAN> </SPAN>Career is on the right path, working at a large Investment Bank as a Credit Def Swap / Loan Exposure Analyst.<SPAN> </SPAN>Current salary around 200k.<SPAN> </SPAN>All things pointing in right direction.<SPAN> </SPAN>Have a GF for about a year now, and she moved in with me due to her living arrangements and work situation in past September. She is a great girl, who I hope to marry one day.<SPAN> </SPAN>Apartment is not too big, so not very easy to have your own space.<SPAN> </SPAN>Looking at a bigger place next year.<SPAN> </SPAN>I pay all bills and expenses for both of us (she is out of work currently)

Poker:<SPAN> </SPAN>I am a winning player, not too much time for cash games, played mostly the late nite party tourneys. <SPAN> </SPAN>Too put in perspective, I have won the party midnite 100.. 3 times in last year 10k -13k wins, with at least <SPAN> </SPAN>another 10 -12 final tables with results all through<SPAN> </SPAN>2 – 10.<SPAN> </SPAN>Very good results in Big Sunday tourneys when I play, just not a big win yet.<SPAN> </SPAN>I won a couple of Step 5s for 9k when they first started on party.<SPAN> </SPAN>Those are the bigger wins, plenty of FTs mixed in for less. I havent played much in last coupel months do too the new living arrangements

Dilemma:<SPAN> </SPAN>My GF is 100% against Poker, says its gambling and does not listen to normal reason, even as I won a Party 100 last month for 10k right in front of her.<SPAN> </SPAN>Any logic which shows my winning against the avg player does nothing for my argument, its stuck in her head that she doesn’t like it.<SPAN> </SPAN>She is very stubborn about anything that she thinks is wrong…<SPAN> </SPAN>She does say however, that going down to Atlantic City on the odd occasion is OK.<SPAN> </SPAN>Just that playing online is ridiculous and gambling gambling gambling.<SPAN> </SPAN>She refuses to listen to any argument.<SPAN> </SPAN>Poker is fun for me, I love the competition, I love the math, and my record shows I can beat 95% of tourney players pretty consistently.<SPAN> </SPAN>I would rather play a late nite tourney than sit at a local bar with couple friends.<SPAN> </SPAN>Nothing has changed her opinion about this.<SPAN> </SPAN>I have offered a compromise of playing once a week, just a 100 or 50 tourney.<SPAN> </SPAN>She says playing once a week is like going to AC once a week, which would be crazy and unacceptable.<SPAN> </SPAN>I have hardened my stance recently since I believe she is going too far.<SPAN> </SPAN>This is my fun, and I am a winning player.<SPAN> </SPAN>She has said if I play once a week in one tourney it will threaten our relationship.<SPAN> </SPAN>I do not like being held hostage like this, I believe it’s a bit unreasonable to make the threat.<SPAN> </SPAN>But I can’t question another person’s opinion on it, it’s their opinion I guess, and they have every right to believe as strongly as they want.

Need:

I need to know what’s happening out there regarding this.. How have you guys handled the situation?<SPAN> </SPAN>And am I or she being unreasonable here.<SPAN> </SPAN>I am obviously not going to lose her because of poker, but I don’t agree with being told I can’t play because of someone’s flawed opinion.<SPAN> </SPAN>This is my fun, I am a 28 year old adult who pays all the bills and takes care of everything.<SPAN> </SPAN><SPAN> </SPAN>All serious thoughts are greatly appreciated.



ginzorella

make her watch rounders that should help LOLOLOL

seriously tough, its pretty simple, would you rather poker in your life or her in your life? What is more important to you? Not to influence you but there are plenty of girls out there who have no problem with poker. These days being a great poker player is almost like athlete status.

There's not much advice that we can give you; only you know your girlfriend and how committed to the relationship you both are, and just from point-of-view, I'm sure that your recollection of events is a little biased (as any of ours would be). That being said, heres my opinion: whether or not you are a winning player, poker can be a hobby, like countless other games and pasttimes. For losing players, its kind of like bowling - you spend money and never get any back, but you have fun. There is nothing wrong with enjoying playing poker. If you're a winning player, like you apparently are, then its even better than a hobby as it rewards you for doing it. It becomes dangerous if you're a perpetually losing player,and you keep on throwing money at it (esp. if you cant afford it) but that's a different story. In your case, your financial situation seems quite good already. You have a high-paying job and you're making more from poker than most people make from 9-5 jobs in a year, and you say you have the stats to back up the fact that you are a consistent winner. Your GF is currently not working, so I think its a little ludicrous to question the hobby/part-time-job that is bringing in tens of thousands of dollars for HER to live off of. You say you've tried to explain, mathematically, that while it may be gambling, in the long-run you're going to be a winning player, but that she doesn't buy it. You've also apparently tried to compromise, to no avail. My personal opinion: clearly you want to maintain the relationship, and if she's more important to you than poker, than there's a good chance you're going to have to give up on cards, though I don't think you should. Your main argument points are: 1) Im a consistent winning player, so much so that it could be considered a part-time job and lucrative source of income. 2) I enjoy it, and I do it in moderation. 3) I've tried to compromise with you, and am willing to cut down my play to make you feel better. That being said, it's something I enjoy and I think its ridiculous that you would unilaterally demand that I give it up without any room for compromise. Another angle you could play: if you're so adamant about me giving up the game that brought in XX thousand dollars last year, you better go get a job and match that income. It's senseless to throw away tens of thousands of dollars because of stubborness. One last note: if this is how she is about poker, you may have bigger problems down the road. When one person in a couple decides they don't like something about the other, then demands that they immediately and totally change OR ELSE, with no room for compromise, it's a dangerous indicator. This is really no different than a girlfriend getting angry about a boyfriend smoking the occasional cigarette or going out drinking with friends - you shouldn't have to NEVER go drinking with friends or NEVER smoke a cigarette to appease some one, there has to be middle ground. If she's not at all willing to compromise on one of your habits, and will only except total change in her favor, that's a dangerous precedent and I GUARANTEE you will have more arguments like this in the future. I know this was long, but these situations really aggravate me. You're in between a rock and a hard place. Best of luck.

Honestly, she isn't working, she isn't paying for anything, she has no right to tell you what to do anyways. Maybe she is paranoid that you are going to lose money, since she isn't currently working, that might freak her out a little more, since there is no backup cash.

But she shouldn't be forcing you to do anything, that kinda of shit shouldn't fly in a relationship and she needs to learn to compromise if she is going to be like that.

"IMO, love shouldn't be about forcing someone to give up a piece of themselves."

I think grapsfan hit the nail on the head. <SPAN class=185124518-03012006>You more than extended the olive branch by offering a compromise on your playing. </SPAN>If you cannot expect her to apply logic <SPAN class=185124518-03012006>to the situation at hand (poker), how long is it before she takes this logic (essentially saying "F YOU" to your choice) and stripping you of other things you may want to do? Poker aside, I think this is a red flag. The basis of any heathy relationship is compromise, not one person's mandates on another.</SPAN>

<SPAN class=185124518-03012006>I'm reading a book now that's called What Happy People Know. One of the facets is that your overall happiness is directly correlated with your freedom (defined by the number of choices you have). I don't have specific advice for you other than to keep your eyes open; I'm sure your GF is wonderful, but she has some serious issues if she can't listen to a logical argument. Seems quite irrational to me.</SPAN>

Ginzorella,

I can sympathize. I'm 36 and make close to what you do doing a job I really enjoy. My wife loved Rounders, enjoys watching poker on TV, and is pretty tolerant of my playing. But lately she's been complaining that I do it too much and we've had some minor arguments about it. I have taken the family on several vacations over the last couple of years purely on poker winnings. Also, since my son was born 18 months ago, my wife has been a stay-at-home mom.

The caveman part of me believes that as long as the mortgage is being paid and there's food on the table, she should be happy that I have a hobby that keeps me home and gets us to Maui occasionally.

I'd tell you what the sensitive-man-of-the-21st-century part of me believes, but the caveman part beat it to death with a club.

You say you won't lose her because of poker. I think she should be asking whether she would lose YOU because of her hatred of poker. You still have a choice in the matter and I suggest you fully resolve this before moving to the next step. I love my wife and if I'm ever forced to choose, well, it's goodbye poker without hesitation. But part of the reason I love her is that she'd never force me to choose...

Underdog34

Does she know how to play? My girlfriend hates everything about poker, but that is because she has no clue what is going on, therefor no respect for the game that we all love. I told her that I was going to put 50 dollars on an account for her if she would promise to sit on a weekend and learn for a few hours. She thought that was a great idea (no kidding, she loves spending my money?!!?!). Maybe then she will at least know what I am doing and not just dismiss it as a lottery online....

*EDIT* How do those girls see a 10k cash and think its a waste of time? Thats all my friends/family/girlfriend would need to be convinced and let me play all day.

Giving her 50 bucks to play with is a great idea. Thats what my boyfriend did with me, and all I do now is play poker. At first I was like OMG my boyfriend is a moron and will end up losing tons of money playing online (thiking it was impossible to make a profit) but soon after I realized it is possible to win on a consitent basis and its not just gambling.

If you teach her to make a profit too, she will learn to love the game.

Interesting how long the post are on this topic. I'm 37 married for 13 years, When I started out my wife was very leery of the idea and was basically against it. I told her I was going to play and that I would invest so much money, in my case a $1,000 and if I went broke then I'd be done. That was a year and half ago, I won US a trip to Aruba and gave her(well to pay down some bills) 10k once when I hit a big score. I cash out occasionally and haven't had to rebuy and play part time. She was almost at ultimatum point in the beginning but now enjoys and encourages my play and the oocasional trip.

As long as your not blowing through loads of money, sounds like your a winning player, if this is true, I'd be the one giving the ultimatum. Your not married yet, the guy who said RED FLAG was dead on.

Gentlemen,

Thank you for the responses so far... they are well thought out and helpful.

some points to help expand on my issue

1. Some of her reasoning is that by playing at all I am not "respecting" her and her view
2. She did have relatives who have gambled their life away
3. She is not good at looking at all the points I've made, she is more stubborn and once something gets in her head....thats what she is running with, period (we ae all stubborn in some ways)
4. Since she currently isnt working... when i am home, she is home.. therefore very hard to find time where we arent in direct contact. And if she isnt around, she would view playing then as a backstab... disrespect that i ran to play while she was gone... further justifying my supposed "addiction"
5. She does require a lot of attention, and if anything.. sports, poker appears to have ANY of my attention she will question her place in my ranking of importance
6. i do work heavy hours, so if i play its gonna be late nite... 10pm - 4am (which also gives the impression of "addiction" since I am staying up all nite playing poker.

She basically does what most women do when they are not happy with something and want more

Poker doesnt have much going for it in this lousy argument.. besides being fun for me and also making money.... Shouldnt this be enough?

more thoughts appreciated

ginzorella

I find keeping records ends all questions. I have been playing seriously since 1994, started dating my now wife in 95. I was working a part-time job delivering pizzas and driving 45 minutes each way to play poker a set 40 hrs a week at that point. After we had been dating for about 2 months she and a cpl of her friends had come over to my apartment and wanted to have a talk about gambling addiction. After about 10 -15 minutes of them saying all gambling is losing and me trying to get a word in any were I could. I asked if I could show results would it help. I had told my girlfriend several times up to that point that she could see any of my records at anytime. I pulled out the huge columnar pad that I used to keep detailed records in. I explained how I kept records and showed all the numbers. I even to this day still allow my wife to look at all my records and log into sites ( now that I play 99% online) to check my accounts ( and every feb. I go to the accountant to take a big hit in da pocket for it). It still took her several months of actually seeing me use the pad to document everything before she became confident that I wasnt fudging numbers. I saw your post and cringed a bit hehe. It took a bit , but my wife loves that I play poker now.

Speaking as a 39 year old with a wife of 10 years and (2) children, I think I can offer a different perspective. If you are like most of the folks on this site, I think it would be a difficult choice to give up what you love to do. You may be able to do it for a while. In the end you would probably resent your significant other for forcing you to give it up. There has to be some comprimise in any relationship. I think you made a valid attempt at meeting her half way.

My two cents would be to find someone that is a little more understanding of your hobbies (passions). My wife understands that this is something I love to do. She also understands that this hobby has funded some of our recent family vacations. As long as it does not intrude on family time or work, it should not be an issue. I generally am playing in late night tourneys.

Remember it is very difficult to change ones DNA. This is something we love to do. The fact that she does not see the enjoyment you get out of it is a bad sign. Take this for what it is worth.

Good Luck.

So lets see....You pay for everything...you make bank at 200k a year....she has no job...you play poker with your money....you showed her wins of $10k...and she tells you to quit. Tell her to take it or leave it... This just happened with my girlfriend and I...i mean ex gf...dumb bitch never got it...

$

Ask yourself this: Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't think rationally about this? Ask her why playing a $100 buyin MTT is any different than playing a $100 round of golf with your buddies, or a $100 night out at the bar with your buddies, or something of that nature. It is your money, you can do what you want with it. It is not illegal, you don't sound like have a gambling problem, you have other priorities in order, and for christ's sakes, if you can consistently turn a profit, WHERE IS THE PROBLEM HERE? My parents feel the same way about this (my poker hobby), and the best way to convince them that poker is a different animal than BJ, Craps, Roulette, etc... is education. Show your gf your spreadsheets, pokertracker, whatever; if she still can't accept it as a legitimate hobby, then I'd figure out if this is the poker itself that she doens't like, or if it's a manifestation of something else. If she wants to hold you hostage like this on this issue, who'd to say she won't do it with something else you love to do? Good luck.

Let me tell you about my situation.
I have been married about two and a half years and started playing about a year ago. My wife made me promise never to deposit and I have kept that promise. I am able to play for real money because I built up my bankroll from playing freerolls and because of a no deposit bonus I got at Party. My wife still doesn't like it when I spend too much time on poker and most of the time she complains, she is right.
This was actually good in a way because it forces me to play as well as I can and not throw my money away. I would probably be a losing player if I deposited. Right now I am a little better than breakeven.

I agree with the other posters that said that if your girlfriend is not prepared/willing to compromise then this relationship will be a problem. You said that your girlfriend is very stubborn and not willing to listen to anything you have to say on this subject.
This may turn out to be a very big problem should you eventually get married to her. The number one thing that is needed in marriage is good communication. No one ever gets everything they want but at least they can be heard and understood and a compromise can be reached.

So, what are your choices?

1) Give up poker totally. Even then, once you have established a precedent that she has the right to tell you what to do and things are not up for discussion, who knows what this will lead to in the future?

2) Take a stand and tell her in no uncertain terms that right now you are not prepared to give up poker completely (for all the reasons you mentioned). You are willing to compromise but she can forget about stopping you from playing totally.

3) Agree with her to explain the situation to someone impartial that you both trust and follow his/her advice.

Furthermore, it sounds a little ungrateful of her to make these demands of you.
You are not married to her right now and are providing her with room and board for free. She is not working right now so she would not be able to support herself.
Does she appreciate this and show her appreciation? It sounds a little bit selfish of her because you are doing all this for her and yet she feels she has the right to make this kind of unconditional demand on you.