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I've been playing $5-$10 9-man SNGs again lately in an effort to rejuvenate my busto roll. To my surprise, I am doing all right. No numbers that would indicate I'm CRUSHING them, but I would say I am running about 20-30% ROI and actually improving my game. Could Sharkscope the actual stats for the last month or so but I am lazy. :)

Limits are small but it's very satisfying to feel like I can beat something again.

I also FTed two of the last 3 $12 180s I have played, which was nice for simply making me feel like I wasn't a completely hopeless case in MTTs (even if it's a small field) and removing that ugly "SUPER TILT" label on SS that I got for not cashing in a 180 in like 20 tries. Don't think I will be playing many of those though because I dislike multi-tabling them and I just don't see them as being worth the time in the long run. Of course, the 9-mans are something of a dead-end too, since I don't foresee myself as moving up to the highest stakes.

Babies are giant and healthy and STILL IN ME even though I am almost 37 weeks. Quite a feat for twins, I must say :) I'm sorry to pat myself on the back but this has been pretty stressful and challenging to keep two little lives in me growing and healthy and strong. And I haven't even had to go on bedrest! Admittedly though, I do basically nothing around here right now. My husband is a godsend and and a miracle worker etc etc. He works full-time, keeps the house clean, takes care of our son, cooks, and still finds the time to take care of me and tell me I'm pretty and stuff. Thank goodness for him.

Anyway, just a short update to say poker is getting better and I am rapidly approaching the arrival of my two new little ones. Exciting all around for me :)

 

One of the things that bugs me in poker: When you have an unavoidable situation, you get your chips in behind and suck out and the other person acts like it's your fault and you deserve to die. Just bugs. Case in point. I have something like 6bbs in a turbo 45-man on FTP. utg minraise, late position RR, and I find myself on the button with Jacks. I'm not happy about it but I'm not folding.
 

Dealer: ftpBaldo shows [Jd Jh]
Dealer: tmeehh shows [Ks Kc]
Dealer: ftpBaldo shows three of a kind, Jacks
Dealer: tmeehh shows a pair of Kings
Dealer: ftpBaldo wins the pot (3,840) with three of
a kind, Jacks
Dealer: Hand #5955633828
tmeehh: of course
tmeehh: cancer

Little thing, I know, but sometimes it rubs me the wrong way.
 

I'm obviously not at the point in my poker life where Sundays are OMG THE WORST DAY OF THE WEEK yet. It's just kind of another day in poker for me, except sometimes I play more satellites and there's a 22,500 person tournament to grind through.

Anyway, it's six days into April and I'm feeling slightly better about things even though they're still not going well. Again, I take responsibility for how bad things have gone. Soul-crushing beats continue to dampen my spirits, though. It's like, I KNOW I'm not playing well. Please stop one-outing me to underscore all of it. Ok, done with the whining for this entry. Onto what I'm trying to do to help me play better and consequently whine less.

Aggression. I'm still so wimpy. I've improved in this arena in some ways; I'm raising and re-raising pre-flop more often and making more c-bets. Elementary stuff, but you have to realize I am the former limp and check champion of the universe. What I need to work on more is when I'm calling and when I'm folding. Too often I'm check-folding when I am probably good, and I am folding in spots I should be calling, especially vs. short stacks in later stages. Obviously this costs me a lot, both in chips I have already put into a pot and in chips I should be winning in the long run. Trying to find more hands to put into pokerhand that are ones where I miss completely so I can talk about them with people who are better at this than me. They're the hardest ones to remember. Right now pokerhand is like my bad beat repository, along with a smattering of hands that I have questions about or think I played terribly (and sometimes it turns out I made the most basic, obvious play, but I am clueless about basic and obvious).

I'll put up two examples of being more aggressive pre-flop that I'm not sure about. Both of them were played partially on the way the hand played out and partially on what my gut told me (something else I have been told I should listen to more often). They're also both from the Sunday 100k and I hold pocket sevens in both. Comments are welcome, especially if you want to say something more than "You are terrible at poker."

 HAND ONE:

PokerStars Game #16534566503: Tournament #82580233 $10+$1 Hold'em No Limit - Level II (15/30) - 2008/04/06 - 15:42:33 (ET)
Table '82580233 742' 9-max Seat #3 is the button
Seat 1: Wybod (4480 in chips)
Seat 2: offsuitstan (3090 in chips)
Seat 3: mrstommykoss (2680 in chips)
Seat 4: Geomotor (2870 in chips)
Seat 5: hyacinthgirl (4340 in chips)
Seat 6: moneytaker65 (610 in chips)
Seat 7: MR HOG (2970 in chips) is sitting out
Seat 8: sakweight (2840 in chips)
Seat 9: texkyle (3120 in chips)
Geomotor: posts small blind 15
hyacinthgirl : posts big blind 30

Holecards:
Dealt to hyacinthgirl [ ]
RAISE moneytaker65, 580 to 610 and is all-in
FOLD MR HOG
FOLD sakweight
FOLD texkyle
FOLD Wybod
FOLD offsuitstan
FOLD mrstommykoss
CALL Geomotor, 595
RAISE hyacinthgirl , 3730 to 4340 and is all-in
CALL Geomotor, 2260 and is all-in

Flop:
[ ]

Turn:
[ ] [ ]

River:
[ ] [ ]

Showdown:
Geomotor: shows [ ] (a pair of Fours)
hyacinthgirl : shows [ ] (a full house Sevens full of Fours)
hyacinthgirl collected 4520 from side pot
moneytaker65: shows [ ] (three of a kind Fours)
hyacinthgirl collected 1830 from main pot
inchkacheka is connected

SUMMARY:
Total pot 6350 Main pot 1830 . Side pot 4520. | Rake 0

Board:
[ ]
Seat 1: Wybod folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 2: offsuitstan folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 3: mrstommykoss (button) folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 4: Geomotor (small blind) showed [ ] and lost with a pair of Fours
Seat 5: hyacinthgirl (big blind) showed [ ] and won (6350) with a full house Sevens full of Fours
Seat 6: moneytaker65 showed [ ] and lost with three of a kind Fours
Seat 7: MR HOG folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 8: sakweight folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 9: texkyle folded before Flop (didn't bet)

 HAND TWO:

PokerStars Game #16534930560: Tournament #82580233 $10+$1 Hold'em No Limit - Level III (25/50) - 2008/04/06 - 15:56:24 (ET)
Table '82580233 742' 9-max Seat #4 is the button
Seat 1: Wybod (4015 in chips)
Seat 2: offsuitstan (3105 in chips)
Seat 3: mrstommykoss (2810 in chips)
Seat 4: kap25 (2855 in chips)
Seat 5: hyacinthgirl (8140 in chips)
Seat 6: inchkacheka (3455 in chips)
Seat 7: MR HOG (2880 in chips) is sitting out
Seat 8: sakweight (2590 in chips)
Seat 9: texkyle (2910 in chips)
hyacinthgirl : posts small blind 25
inchkacheka: posts big blind 50

Holecards:
Dealt to hyacinthgirl [ ]
FOLD MR HOG
FOLD sakweight
FOLD texkyle
FOLD Wybod
FOLD offsuitstan
FOLD mrstommykoss
FOLD kap25
RAISE hyacinthgirl , 100 to 150
RAISE inchkacheka, 3305 to 3455 and is all-in
CALL hyacinthgirl , 3305

Flop:
[ ]

Turn:
[ ] [ ]

River:
[ ] [ ]

Showdown:
hyacinthgirl : shows [ ] (a pair of Sevens)
inchkacheka: shows [ ] (two pair Aces and Jacks)
inchkacheka collected 6910 from pot

SUMMARY:
Total pot 6910 | Rake 0

Board:
[ ]
Seat 1: Wybod folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 2: offsuitstan folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 3: mrstommykoss folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 4: kap25 (button) folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 5: hyacinthgirl (small blind) showed [ ] and lost with a pair of Sevens
Seat 6: inchkacheka (big blind) showed [ ] and won (6910) with two pair Aces and Jacks
Seat 7: MR HOG folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 8: sakweight folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 9: texkyle folded before Flop (didn't bet)
 

Just checking to see if this bloggy thingy works. I will be pleasantly surprised if it does. Since I can't seem to make myself update my livejournal or EB anymore, maybe I will just ramble here since I log onto p5s regularly enough.

For now I will say that it is difficult to deal with the idea that I might just really, really not be very good at poker. Not that I thought I was "very good." But I didn't think I was terrible; I had the blossoming poker ego that comes with some small but growing successes. For six months now, I've been losing. Not just here and there or little bits, I've been simply tearing through buyins and losing spectacular pots in some grossly unimaginable ways. There are plenty of mistakes being made, I'm sure of that. By me, I mean. Obv I think my opponents are doing things wrong and getting rewarded. But I feel somewhat lost lately because it blows my mind how badly I am playing, combined with running less than optimally.

I'm stuck quite a bit right now. Not so much that I feel I'll never get out of it. But enough that I feel like it could take "too long" to do, especially now that I am at a point where I am working within a limited roll. "Too long" may have already elapsed... if it has, that's understandable. But I am hoping I can rally and prove that I'm actually a decent, winning player and a good investment. I am hoping this just as much for myself as for anyone who has backed me or otherwise put their faith in me.

Frustration is mounting though. Combine this frustration with huge waves of hormones from the twins and I am nearly in tears at the end of each session. I'm such a girl. I know. But again, the hardest part of this horrid run down has been that I KNOW I am letting down people who had thought I would do better.

I'm going to try to clear my head a little and focus on April being a good, winning month for me and trying to show that there is still hope for Hya. 

For whatever reason, I want to blame something of it on being pregnant. Probably very ridiculous, but I honestly feel like my brain hasn't been functioning the same way for the last 7 months or so. I'm foggy and overemotional, and tired most of the time. I doubt I am making the best decisions I can. Not that it's a crippling illness or something, after all, I know women do a lot when they are pregnant and it remains very much the same for them. I worked all through my last pregnancy as a dealer and the entire time I made one mistake; a burn and turn in one of the Palms tournies. But I digress. Poker hasn't felt the same for a while now. It's probably a combination of many things. Stress from all the things going on in my life, stress from being stuck and feeling like I am a disappointment, exhaustion. whatever. All I know is that the past six months have been the worst I've had since starting to play poker almost 9 years ago.
 

And I still don't want to quit. Let's call it "dedication" or "perseverance" rather than "addiction."