Well, this summer has presented itself with a lot of weird situations along with an absurd amount of challenges. Just in the past 6 weeks, I've come to feel as though my whole life has been
uprooted. I got into fights with people who I thought were close friends who ended up showing me otherwise.... I gave up my work ethic to party, I lost another friend (as in a real friend),... my best friend... due to jealousy. It seems like my whole summer, wsop, and many of my friendships were ruined due to spite, carelessness, jealousy and egocentricism.
At this point I'm really perplexed as to how I'm supposed to conduct myself as a female in the poker community. I'm finding it really tough to find the right balance. This summer I've met so many of the
players I compete against every day.. and being a moderately decent looking female who plays OK poker apparently makes me somewhat of a 'desirable'. I in no way am ego-crazy or over-confident... but the reality of it is what it is... that because I'm 'me', I'm going to get at least some attention. What
isn't fair for me is the kind of attention that I might attract... as in.. unwanted attention. I get a very mixed group of male followers from the poker
community... many of which are just absolute losers. Many of these guys are like.. either broke or in tons of make-up, aimless, too young, live too far, don't want a girlfriend, are male whores, have girlfriends
all ready, etcetc.. the list could go on.
I've wasted a bunch of time this summer trying to get to know 'mostly' all the wrong people... bad people. This isn't to say that there weren't a handful of cute, nice poker boys that I had the pleasure of meeting this summer... but still... all the other negative scenarios are definitely the ones that played the bigger part in how and why my summer became so shitty.
I'm not sure if I should really
be out there trying to be friends with or date other online players. I've begun to truly believe it may be a detrimental conflict of interest. Not only are my friendships liable to go south.. for whatever reasons.. whether it's
because I do something to make someone mad/possessive, or someone starts liking me who I don't like back and things get weird, or vice versa.. or just simple rumors that get started because I'm the only girl for miles to make words
about. The mentalities that many of these young, male, poker players share is one that isn't
really conducive for a young 24 (almost 25)yr old female trying to make a serious career for herself. I'm willing to come into my adulthood, and I'm willing to put in the time and effort it takes to improve my game and
grind until I 'get there,' to some point in my life when I feel as though I've succeeded. I can't have some head trip kiddy drama getting in the way of the things I hope to achieve in the next 10 years.
After what I've experienced this World Series, I've begun to see how the 'Peachymer' approach is probably the optimal one. I don't want people
getting jealous/possessive, I don't want to get a rep as a girl who dates poker players (so therefore I can't), and I don't want bad things being said about me or things getting misconstrued. People will say I've hooked up with this or that person... I've been confronted with it all ready... and it's annoying and I feel like I'm constantly defending myself against unwarranted rumors. The only thing that I feel I can do to battle
these things, is to just not associate with poker players too closely or too often. I can just be satisfied with my relationships outside of poker, and work on creating new and better relationships with people who are genuinely more like myself aside from merely career choice. This will help insure that my friendships aren't built upon some artificial premise... that being simply that I'm just some female who grinds online poker for a living.
Another recent and somber incident has occurred in my life. My very best friend in the whole world has developed a very loving affection for me. It's really tough when this happens. It's like.. they confront you... and they tell you how no person could be more perfect than you are... but you just don't feel it back... and it's sad and awful. God. Cause he's like my best friend. I want him to be happy, but he is miserable just watching me live my life. It "sickens" him. And that sickens me. It's really shitty... and now I feel like I'm about to lose yet another friend... except this one is a true friend to me (unlike my fake friends who I've also lost this summer). It's the summer of jealousy, and upheaval. Those are the only ways I can characterize the events that have unfolded before me so involuntarily(on my behalf).
It's a sad reality that so many people I've genuinely put effort into caring about are so willing to just up and exit my life... and it's tough because no one really knows what to say to people who've been 'abandond,' n no one really knows how to fix it, or how to console someone who lives in that type of reality. People who offer pity are only offering me a longer term of dwelling on all the things I wish I could have that I don't. Much rather I should wish to meet new people who are optimistic, genuine.... people who don't know me as "manderbutt."
I'm ready to pick up and move on once again.
It's not the first time in my life that I've had to leave a big piece of myself behind. It never gets easier... and I just pray that I can keep it together enough so that I don't become too jaded from all this withered activity that buzzes around my life on the constant. I'm moving at the end of August.. somewhere in Vegas still probably... and I'm planning on getting back to the grind, and going at it hard. Hopefully the fall season will 'turn a new leaf' for me... and maybe I'll start dominating mtts and my life will boast new and great opportunities.....my fingers are crossed!
wish me luck folks!
thanks for reading :D