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“I will not have someone I love tear their life apart with gambling.”

Those words still echoed in my head even after two days. I could feel the conflict in Suzie’s mind as she said it, but I knew she meant it. She was very strong willed and she had set her mind on this course of action. Either I give up playing poker or Suzie gives up on me.

I tried to tell her that playing poker is really not gambling. I argued that every time I put my chips in a pot I had an edge, that the odds were in my favor. Simple probability shows that over the long run luck will even out and the odds will be served. I even told her that keen students of psychology can even tell what their opponents are likely to be holding. But she would have none of it.

In her mind the placing of bets was evil and there was no gray area. I don’t know how she came by this belief, but it was ingrained way too deep to change. It was a simple equation really. Gambling = bad, poker = gambling, therefore, poker = bad.

And then there was the other part of her statement, the part that said she loved me. I didn’t have much experience in love, but just knowing that she meant it made me feel warm inside. Kind of conflicted and torn apart, but warm.

If only I knew what it was that I really wanted. Less than a year ago I was just another face in the crowd, somebody most people didn’t even notice. Suddenly I was a hot commodity. Strangers were willing to pay me good money to promote their companies. Others wanted to shake my hand or get my autograph and more than a few formerly “out of my league” girls wanted to get next to me. A few years ago this would have been my dream life.

The problem was that now that I had it, I found it lacking. Jim Morisson sang “People are strange when you’re a stranger.” Honestly, though I enjoyed his music, I never understood what he meant before. I now see the strangeness he was singing about. Everyone has their own agenda and some of them are pretty bizarre indeed. Fame is not the answer to loneliness.

As for the money, it doesn’t suck. There is something to be said for being able to go anywhere and do anything without having to worry about the cost. There’s no denying that our world runs on money and having it is a lot better than the alternative. But I have confirmed something about myself that I guess I have always known. There really isn’t that much that I want or need. The usual toys of the rich, cars, jewelry, etc. hold no appeal for me.

On the other hand, the feeling I get when I am with Suzie is priceless. The only thing that compares to it is feeling I got when I won the bracelet in that first event. As I pondered I found it ironic that the joy I found in unselfish love is matched only by that of competitive victory. Did I really want so much to be the best in the world at something? Or was it all sweetened by my need to get some recognition from my father?

I had taken a walk to clear my mind while I was walking and it worked so well that I now had no idea where I was. It was fairly late at night and the sidewalk was dark as I had long ago left the neon far behind. The only reason I noticed it now was that someone had forced me to attention. A man half hidden in the shadows was pointing a gun at me and demanding money.

There were two things wrong with this situation. One, I had not thought to bring any money with me. Two, the gun was not loaded and the man was scared to death. I decided that my best way out of this was to bluff. Even though I didn’t know karate from origami, I yelled like Bruce Lee and struck what I hoped was a convincing stance. The man turned and ran back into the night. Score one for poker.

I turned around and headed back towards the artificial light. I had found the clarity I was after. I knew my life was at a crossroads. If I were to win the main event next week I would become a celebrity poker player and make a lot of money doing something that brought me a good deal of satisfaction. If I lose, I was free to give up poker and find out whether Suzie and I had a future together. The only thing I was not sure about was which side I was rooting for.