Poker Discussion
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To all players who have encountered the situation, or some variation of it. Not to offend any of the talented youngins on the site, but I would like the responses to be post college experience, since college times tend to sidetrack on many tangents and influences.
Here we go, I am a 28 year old from NY. Career is on the right path, working at a large Investment Bank as a Credit Def Swap / Loan Exposure Analyst. Current salary around 200k. All things pointing in right direction. Have a GF for about a year now, and she moved in with me due to her living arrangements and work situation in past September. She is a great girl, who I hope to marry one day. Apartment is not too big, so not very easy to have your own space. Looking at a bigger place next year. I pay all bills and expenses for both of us (she is out of work currently)
Poker: I am a winning player, not too much time for cash games, played mostly the late nite party tourneys. Too put in perspective, I have won the party midnite 100.. 3 times in last year 10k -13k wins, with at least another 10 -12 final tables with results all through 2 – 10. Very good results in Big Sunday tourneys when I play, just not a big win yet. I won a couple of Step 5s for 9k when they first started on party. Those are the bigger wins, plenty of FTs mixed in for less. I havent played much in last coupel months do too the new living arrangements
Dilemma: My GF is 100% against Poker, says its gambling and does not listen to normal reason, even as I won a Party 100 last month for 10k right in front of her. Any logic which shows my winning against the avg player does nothing for my argument, its stuck in her head that she doesn’t like it. She is very stubborn about anything that she thinks is wrong… She does say however, that going down to Atlantic City on the odd occasion is OK. Just that playing online is ridiculous and gambling gambling gambling. She refuses to listen to any argument. Poker is fun for me, I love the competition, I love the math, and my record shows I can beat 95% of tourney players pretty consistently. I would rather play a late nite tourney than sit at a local bar with couple friends. Nothing has changed her opinion about this. I have offered a compromise of playing once a week, just a 100 or 50 tourney. She says playing once a week is like going to AC once a week, which would be crazy and unacceptable. I have hardened my stance recently since I believe she is going too far. This is my fun, and I am a winning player. She has said if I play once a week in one tourney it will threaten our relationship. I do not like being held hostage like this, I believe it’s a bit unreasonable to make the threat. But I can’t question another person’s opinion on it, it’s their opinion I guess, and they have every right to believe as strongly as they want.
Need:
I need to know what’s happening out there regarding this.. How have you guys handled the situation? And am I or she being unreasonable here. I am obviously not going to lose her because of poker, but I don’t agree with being told I can’t play because of someone’s flawed opinion. This is my fun, I am a 28 year old adult who pays all the bills and takes care of everything. All serious thoughts are greatly appreciated.
ginzorella
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^^^^^^^^^
Dr Phil in da houze
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Hi,
My suggestion would be for you to show her all the replies that have been posted above, if she can see how much poker means to you and that you have gone through the trouble to post your comments, then she is being self centered somewhat to disregard your passion.
Once a week doing what makes you happy isnt too much to ask in any relationship, im sure there are things you have to endure in your relationship that you find boring or drag, its called a comprimise.
I wish you the best of luck.
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I can see why you are looking for some input on your situation, because quite frankly it is high-stakes (the possibility of losing something you love--either way you look at it). I was inclined to jump on ship and say, "Screw her, don't let anybody tell you what you can and can't do!" But anyone who says that is missing a big part of the story.
She obviously has a past with gambling--her family seems to have had some issues with it in the past. She fears gambling because of what it has done to her in the past (hope I'm not presuming too much here), and she fears it because she doesn't understand it. I can see why should would feel betrayed if you tell her, "whatever" and keep playing (not that you have).
Your side of course seems pretty simple to most of us. If you want you can substitute "kickball" for "poker" as far as it is concerned for you. You love playing kickball and you would never force your girlfriend to give up something she loved doing. If kickball gets to the point that the first thing you do when you get off work is call up your homies and get a game going (i.e. come home and hop on Stars before even kissing or talking to your lady)... can you see where the missus might start to get irritated?
But from what you have said it sounds like you just want to get your fix in once or twice a week.
The best advice I can give you is to show your girlfriend how much you care about her, hang out with her, go out a few nights a week (on your budget, why not all five nights?!?). Don't just "tell" her that you love her, prove it. Then you should be able to have a bit of freedom and have time to do what you want. If all she does is cling to you wherever you go or whatever you do when you aren't at work... I feel sorry for you, cause you could do a lot better. *Hopefully* she'll be fulfilled and she'll want to go out shopping or something a few nights, which should open up some free time for you to play poker.
I know that doesn't solve her hatred of poker, but you could always tell her to get a job... or give up shopping or something along those lines. You'll both quickly see how unfun it is to try and force the other to give up things. She will most likely make the argument that poker and shopping are vastly different, but how many shoppers do you know that make money??
Good luck, I'd love to hear how this turns out.
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Jesus christ, who can read all this crap...
Im a man of few words, you love this "game", why would she try to stop you from doing something you "love".
Its YOUR money. Its YOUR time, Its YOUR LIFE, tell her to go get her own!
Everytime I hear of a girl doing shit like this its because there are other deeper issues and her picking on something like poker is just her way of getting out her frustrations.
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vbm
(United Kingdom)
652
Posts.
Joined
05-16-2005.
01-03-2006 3:29 PM
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In reply to
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Seriously mate, you need to put a stop to this.
If she is that against it with out reason, she wont be convinced by reason.
She is being unreasonable, it her problem not yours.
Tell her if she dont like it she can move out, if not stop bitching!
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Nothing good can come this..get out while you can..Cause youll like one day want to play golf,and she'll say,my brother got hit in head with golf ball dont play golf...KICK HER TO CURB..Im married 8 years..she hates poker we compromise...thats what its about..you said youd cut back,she said not good enough..save the heartache..BYE BYE BABE
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loopy
(United States)
883
Posts.
Joined
07-18-2005.
01-03-2006 3:51 PM
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In reply to
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Ginz-
IMHO:
First... I want to be clear that this is not the typical "DUMP THE BITCH!!" response. BUT, you must try to step back from the situation and look at it from another perspective.
As you mentioned, you are a hard working responsible adult that has a great job making good money. You like to play online poker at which you have also been successful. From what you've said, she is UNWILLING to listen, comprehend, or compromise about the situation. This to me seems unacceptable coming from someone you've been willing to work with while she's in a tough spot. This sounds like much more than just an online poker issue.
I've had friends that were willing to make big sacrafices at the beginning of a relationship for a girlfriend and ended up miserable and feeling taken advantage of later on. Not to say that it will turn out like that, but from what you've shared it certainly seems possible.
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 11 years and the thing that seems to keep things so positive is both of our willingness to listen and work with each other. Not to rub it in, but I guess I'm also very lucky that she loves sports and plays poker :)
Anyway, your best bet is not to think of this as a poker based issue but more as a relatively normal relationship snag. I'm willing to guess that YOU WILL NOT END UP GIVING UP POKER and IT WILL only get worse in the long run. ULTIMATUM is a strong word, but nip it in the bud my friend... one way or the other.
Good luck!
Loopy
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First of all, ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I wasn't going to have any input but this thread has gotten out of hand. Ladies and gentlemen....no matter how much inputs or comments we have in this thread....the only person that know what to do in this situation is GINZORELLA (YES , YOU SIR). I'm pretty sure at this moment you know what to do. The key point is that you're only with this girl OVER A YEAR (for christ sake, (1 year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). First year= no poker.....2nd year= what? You tell me....YOu're going to let control your life? Think about it......love is all about COMPROMISE AND GOOD COMMUNICATION. As far as I'm concern......excuse my language..but this BITCH is lacking in both areas. Do what is right for you buddy. She's just too lucky to have you sir. She's unemployed and now you're taking care of her. What more does she want? fuk this bitch....i'm outta here....... no compromise no communication= DIASTER!! If you decided to quit poker...and in the future when you two are no longer together....you will regret sir. GL!!!
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"2. She did have relatives who have gambled their life away"
This is huge. Last year I briefly dated this girl whose dad was a degenerate gambler. She knew that I was a winning player. She knew that I kept detailed stats on my sessions and was self-controlled to a fault. But none of that could overcome her experience with her dad. To her, saying you're a responsible gambler is like saying you're a responsible heroin user. In a perfect world I would have liked to introduce her to the significant others of long-term winning poker players and have her talk to them about the reality of the game. But it's hard to find those people. And even if you got past her anti-gambling bias, you still have to figure out how to address her concern about where she ranks in your hierarchy of time. Sounds like you're a smart guy, though, I'm sure you'll figure it all out.
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Thanks for the responses to date....
After reading most of the responses, the opinions are definitely scattered in terms of what to do, but I think most value I have gotten is to think more about what the situation and her feelings mean and indicate.
Right now this is what I know - I am not comfortable giving in to the demand, whether it be poker or softball.... doesnt matter
There has to be a compromise.... but I see a problem in this.. Compromise is exactly what it means.. Someone, or both do not get there way, but give ground just to move on. Will this not create more problems down the line? She will still HATE poker and will only be "tolerating it" . I wont get to play much and possibly still be mad at times (acceptable)
Right now I am leaning towards 1 or 2 ground up discussions on the subject with her.. laying out every point for and against. If I can achieve some level of understanding here great. But I still believe she will have the same opinion about poker = gambling, gambling = bad
I am fine with saying I will leave 2k in my acct, and play that out, if I go bust then its quits for good. This wont happen, which is why I am fine signing up for it. But I still dont see this rectifying the issue.
I will try and see if there is much more to this, the attention thinig is possible.. But fact is, when i play, its friggin 11pm - 4am.. and she would probably sleep anyway, so she is not getting any less attention with me playing, even so.. why the hell cant I play some big sunday events (playing from 4 - midnite really made things bad one sunday)
I think I need to dig deeper, and hope the poker gods come down and ease her stance a bit, since right now confrontation is unavoidable
Thanks for the help so far....
Lets hope this pain is worth it... I am gonna get old one day and playing softball is not gonna be an option, so shit... i need a hobby
ginzorella
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The real question is.... How hot is she??
ahhh, just jokes man, gl.
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klslcz
(United States)
397
Posts.
Joined
03-08-2005.
01-03-2006 4:44 PM
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In reply to
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Ginz,
Remember this is not about poker, it is about respect and compromise. How much do you respect her wishes regarding poker and how much does she respect what you would like to do. I think the responses about her attitude towards not respecting your wishes enough to try and compromise on this are a RED flag to other problems and are something you should consider strongly.
I recommend in all negotiations you look at what the other person wants, see if you can give it to them and still get what you want. Her ultimatum makes this difficult.
Be concerened with your long-term relationship here, not poker. By that I mean if you can not figure out a way to compromise with her on this, then you will probably have a miserable time compromising on much harder issues (ie she suddenly wants four children when you first agreed to two - If something like this comes up, and something like it will, then are you partners with someone that will try and find a solution that works for both of you? This should be your focus.)
It seems as though you are trying hard to compromise the time element of your playing. It is silly and disrespectful for her to worry what you are doing with your time when she is asleep or away. She needs to completely back-off on that or you should confront her with her motivation of control over you.
Her hardest point to overcome is the gambling thing. The subject of your situation should not matter, just the hard time you are having reaching an agreement. I do not think whether you win or lose should even matter, we all should be allowed to spend our free-time enjoying whatever our pursuits are as long as we can afford them and as long they don't hurt others
I reccommend a budget for poker. By this I mean you agree to never deposit more than "x" per month. Say $200. Now I know you are a winning player, but winning or losing should not be the issue, the issue is whether it costs you more than you can afford or more than is reasonable for your entertainment (see golfing examples, etc). That being said I would also make an agreement that everytime your account gets to $16k, you pull 8k out and give her half (4k - once you married) for her to do with as she pleases.
If she has a problem with you enjoying something that could take up to $200 per month and some of your down-time then I would not even consider trying to go through the journey of life with her as a partner.
I am married (previously divorced) and I am quite sure these mutual respect issues and the ability to compromise are the key to my happiness now, and the reason for my discontent previously.
Good Luck, you gonna need it.
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The fact that you only play the 100 buy in tournaments and she has such a problem with it seems absolutely absurd to me. Now if you were playing huge cash games I think she would be justified. Tell her to look at it like a hobby you enjoy. Since you do not spend a lot of money on it on a regular basis, compare it to someone who loves movies. If you buy 4 to 5 new movies a week that will cost you 100. There is no difference, you are getting a certain value from each. You happen to value poker more for your money than you do movies. It is simple economics. Ask her why she doesnt have a job and is helping with the bills. To me she sounds like a girl you should not be with, too many of my friends have gotten mixed up with controlling girls. It has nothing to do with gambling in my mind, it has to do with you not spending time with her during the time that you are playing, many women are unable to handle this situation and have to fill a void in their life (ie no job) by over compensating in yours. Once she is working again, I bet she has less of a problem with it. Also she may be worried that you will loss some money and not support the lifestyle for both of you since she is not working. This is about her not you in my mind. I am not simply saying this because you are a poker player as am I, I have seen it with different things. Whether it be into cars, really into sports, poker, etc. I had a girlfriend complain that I was doing too much charity work at one point, needless to say, I broke up with the whore.
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fIRST OF ALL, AND SPEAKING FROM A SIMILAR SITUATION, CAN YOU SAY HIGH MAINTAINANCE? If you can, then you are on the right path. If you pay all the bills, have a great income, and she is busting your nuts about poker....it's only the tip of the ice berg. Like Sonny said in A Bronx Tale....If she don't reach over and unlock that door......dump her. She's selfish.
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Thanks for all the comments and encouragement...
Hopefully this works out....I will throw up a post when I have some resolution
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