10) Some old git who hasn’t played Hold ’Em before saying: “I think it’s time we played five-card draw – now that’s a real game.”
9) Noobs’ inability to shuffle. They do that thing where they grab a handful of cards and jam it back into the pack. In the same way you’re supposed to be able to hear a tree scream when it’s cut down, you can almost hear the deck squeal.
8) The smug red colour their faces turn when they suck out to make runner-runner royal to give them a big chip lead in their first tourney.
7) Slow rolling. Oh, slow rolling. Also: not flipping their cards at showdown until they’ve worked out what their final hand is.
6) Declaring three cards as a straight or a flush.
5) The hugely disproportionate amount of time they spend trying to remember what constitutes a straight flush and royal flush, even though you tell them they won’t get one.
4) A newbie saying: “We should have whiskey for this!”
3) People who appear to have been dragged along to the game and have a weird terror of losing any money whatsoever. It makes you wonder how they get through life – do they walk everywhere, forage for nuts and berries in the park at lunchtime, strap bottles of home-made lager under their trousers and drink it through a tube when they go to the pub?
"For the love of God, how will I ever be able to tell Margaret I'm nine pounds down!?"
2) A non-player warning you against poker, saying the house always wins and telling you they say that film 21 with that Kevin Spacey.
1) People who don’t play asking: “How can you play poker online, don’t you have to look at people?” ARRRGGGHHHHH. YES, YOU’RE RIGHT, IN LIVE POKER THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO TIME FOR CONSIDERING POSITION, STACK SIZES, POT ODDS, IMPLIED ODDS, REVERSE IMPLIED ODDS, PLAYER TYPE, PLAYER HISTORY, PLAYER STATE OF MIND, TABLE IMAGE, BLIND LEVELS, HAND RANGES OR ESTIMATED VALUE BECAUSE WE ARE TOO BUSY LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. WE’RE ALL SO UTTERLY AMAZING AT READING PEOPLE – AND IT’S SUCH AN IMPORTANT SKILL – THAT MANY PLAYERS TURN UP IN A FULL “MARTY MCFLY” TIME TRAVEL SUIT (CUSTOM MADE FOR THEM BY UNIVERSAL STUDIOS IN SOME CASES) AND COMMUNICATE THEIR INTENTIONS (AND ANY ORDERS TO WAITRESSES) ON A SMALL PIECE OF SLATE, ON WHICH THEY WRITE AS BEST THEY CAN GIVEN THEIR HEAVILY PADDED GLOVES. INDEED, EVERY HAND OF POKER TAKES AN AVERAGE OF 38 MINUTES BECAUSE WE STARE EACH OTHER DOWN UNTIL SOMEONE CALLS THE CLOCK ON US, EVERY SINGLE STREET.