This article was originally posted in 2006 on FOX. It's since been updated for P5ers, and should be an enjoyable read for the community.

A typical conversation within your favorite online poker room’s chat box:

PhilgivmHellmouth: OMFG
(translated for online abbreviation virgins – Oh My Freakin’ God)

LuckyCharms: For’sho. What up bro?

PhilgivmHellmouth: You called me with that?

LuckyCharms: Figured I had the best hand. Had to. ;))))))))

PhilgivmHellmouth: Had to? I had AA to your Q3. I raised 5x the big blind pre-flop. You called with that trash, out of position, hit bottom pair and called all the way to the river to hit your 2 outer, the 3? Whyyyyyyy?

LuckyCharms: I won didn’t I? I figured you were bluffing. I couldn’t fold – Q3 is my favorite hand. It’s only money. I was in the big blind. I was pot committed. I knew you had me beat but I felt lucky. JohnnyBax plays sooooted cards. I saw it on PokerXfactor. And ty for the chips.

PhilgivmHellmouth: Arrrragggggggggggggggh. #%*^$(#^%#+. If it weren’t for Bax teaching the stupid fishes I guess I would win them all.

Smash Mouth

Bad and inexperienced players litter every poker site and always have a valid reason (at least in their own warped noggins) why they did what they did. When they hit any piece of the flop, you’d have more luck prying raw meat from a rabid pit bull than getting them to fold.

Makes you want to reach through the monitor and shake’em. Really hard.

Every online poker player has heard a barrel of excuses regurgitating from weak players justifying their own unique way of playing Texas Hold’em. Excuses that lead to punched holes in the wall, smashed monitors, Tasmanian temper tantrums, and a vow never to play online poker again. Well, at least for 24 hours.

All of us were beginners at one time so cut most of these players some slack. It’s the yackers who claim to have mastered poker at the .05 -.10 cent levels, that we seek out and exorcise back to the play money realms, minus their chips.

Bring it on.

New players are like white belts after one week of karate lessons; a little knowledge coupled with a little success inflates a beginning player’s sense of invulnerability. Poker is simple, they proclaim: raise faster than a speeding bullet, drawing hands are more powerful than a locomotive, and each pot won allows them to leap over years of experience into the “I’m now a pro” zone in a single bound.

Their wild boyz style is patterned after a WPT final table that they watched three times, memorizing a few big slick moves. Suited hands are their favorites and they know to raise with any ace from any position, because that is what Gus Hansen would do. When they win with speculative hands, of course it’s all skill. But then still they whine about losing to a flopped flush after calling to the river with middle pair.

Introspection is not a word in their vocabulary. They take no time to examine their own game to patch any flaws, review starting hands, position raises and calls, reads on opponents, betting patterns and possible online tells. No Fear is their drink of choice and the mantra they proudly carry skyward to tag the hometown water tower with their online alias.

Don’t fret. These types of glassy-eyed, know-it-all opponents are what you want at your table. Let them be the happy meal innocently swimming into your piranha’s razor sharp teeth. Don’t try to school these guppies away from venturing into dark waters when they win from behind. Congratulate them, lay back in wait for their next swim by, then trap and shred with a monster hand.

Most online sites let you take notes on all players. Study your adversaries. Discretion is the better part of valor, so learn that folding may be the best play sometimes. Know the calling stations, chasers and players that you just can’t bluff and adjust your game accordingly.

Losing players vow that online poker is rigged. Must be.

Some players take on the role of town crier from site to site declaring that online poker is rigged. The top poker sites are raking in cash – hand over offshore fist. A few are even publicly traded. There would be no clear advantage to rig the distribution of cards, to specifically target you and make certain that runner runner quads beat a flopped full house.

There are more bad beats in online vs. live poker because of many variables: Players are dealt more hands and see more flops per hour, bad players chase to the river, it’s easier to call a bet with a click of a mouse than actually having to shove your chips across the felt, and many players overplay weak hands and suited cards. The list goes on and on.

Table image is not as important online in many cases.

“Online is different,” says seasoned professional Shawn Rice [westtexasman online].
“You might not have played a hand for over an hour and now you’re in a pot. You often get less respect for your tighter play and will often be overlooked that you haven’t played a hand in awhile. People just don’t seem to pay as much attention online as they do live.”

“I hear many players complain about what a donkey play someone made and often try to belittle them. Why tap the glass of the fish tank? Do you wish all your opponents were world class professionals,” shares Rice. “Look at the overall picture and conclude that you’re a medium size fish in the pond of poker, you need these smaller fish to keep the game good. These are the people who pay for your nice cars and homes. It’s sure not the professional players.”

No crying in poker.

Just deal. Don’t ask why, whine or fling your chair back as you storm out of the room in a bratty hissy fit, even if it’s in the privacy of your own home. A wretched river card is no reason to smash your Sony Vaio, crack your iPhone, spike your heart rate, and disturb your significant other, children, pets or neighbors. Breathe. Chill. Move on.

Create a ritual for yourself after a bad beat to ease the steaming pain: Sit out. Breathe. Grab a beer. One beer not a six pack. Surf the Internet for more Carmen Electra. Breathe again. Stand up, bow to the four directions, and spin clockwise three times to reset the poker feng shui. Silly? Maybe. Maybe not. But don’t kill the messenger. Find your own unique way to center and return to your “A” game and not tilt off the rest of your stack.

You have it in your power to turn a bad beat around by realizing this simple truth: The more bad beats you encounter, the luckier you are. It's a sign that you are playing against opponents who continually take the worst of it, and if you can't beat someone who always takes the worst of it, you can't beat anyone.

Nuff said.

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* And for those players who continue to whine about online poker being rigged, help is out there. Visit www.zapatopi.net/afdb/ for your very own aluminum foil deflector beanie. This cheap and unobtrusive form of protection offers real security to poker players worldwide. Not only do beanies protect against incoming signals, but also they block online tells, brain scanning, and mind reading, and deflect calling stations while keeping the top secret JJProdigy strategies in your head truly secret. To date most popular poker sites have no rules banning the use of this optional headgear.

Craig Tapscott is a frequent contributor to FOXSports Poker and Card Player magazine. He may be contacted at:ctapscott@verizon.net.