Suicidal over poker

By: Dirtydeuce162
Published: Jul 16th, 2017
Hi poker community,

Reaching out to find out when enough's enough. I've been playing and studying poker for 13 years, and I am a poor man as the result. I've been stuck playing baby buy ins my entire career, because I can't break through. All of my poker friends and acquaintances have had some sort of significant success while I am dragged down by the fish. I'm contemplating life, and how much I feel I'm wasting away trying to succeed playing the game I hate at all times. Every opportunity for me to have a chance at something ends up in disaster. Over the years, I think and talk about poker tricking myself like I have some sort of grasp on the game as I watch my friends build their bankrolls. Mine is depleted for the 10th time. I'm currently down because I just played a dinky $6 satellite with one seat awarded to the million dollar guarantee on ACR in September. There was a consolation prize of $72. I made the final table and got to 4 handed with 380,000 at 4k/8k with the next closest player having 100k. I was positive that with a stack like that, like I always see, the cards would go my way while I played my best. But once we got 4 handed, I proceeded to lose EVERY SINGLE HAND until I was eliminated. The other 3 players had been playing extremely terribly during the rest of the tournament. The player on my right was down to 1 BB with 10 players left and hadn't played a hand AT ALL for almost an hour. Then he starts sticking it in every hand with trash and hits everything. The hand that started my fall was when said player raised the btn to 23k. I moved all in from the SB with K9hh knowing that he could be raising with a monster in that spot hoping to induce, but, his play style wasn't weighted that way. I figured he'd fold all of his marginal hands as if he had intended to get it in, he would just shove his hands to keep his FE. however, after raising and facing my all in bet, he calls it off with the A2o and flops an A. WHY? Why isn't he just shoving there? I'll tell you why. Because he's a fucken donkey. Then, why is he calling? I'll tell you why. He's calling because the thought in his head either "whatever, I don't care" or "I has an ace!". That's who I'm fucking losing to day in and day out. The next hand, I'm dealt 55 on the btn, and shove and the BB wakes up with JJ and cripples me. The blinds hit me, and on the next orbit, I shove A6s from the SB for my last 9 bigs and get called by the BB who has 11 BB's and has been snug while he's holding K8o. Naturaly, his K hits the turn and eliminates me. After, I'm ready to end it all, poker and life. I feel sick, over a fucking $6 satty I thought I had locked up. I have a successful business and a stunningly intelligent and gorgeous fiancee, and I want to kill myself because I can't win a $6 satty having had a major CL 4 handed. I'm trying to earn extra money for us, and I figure at some point, my game would turn around based on my skill and understanding of the game. But both of those things are meaningless when my opponents get everything they need when it counts to beat me. This scenario hasn't stopped for me EVER. My hands don't hold, I can't get folds when I'm supposed to, my bluffs never work. I've bubbled 5 times as many tournaments as I've cashed, and I know for a fact that when I get it in in those spots, I'm rarely in bad shape, and almost always, dominating. The players who call me are the worst players at my table. Something makes them decide at that moment, to gamble, completely abandon any logical thought, and spin the poker wheel. They always win.

My finacee sadly has to deal with my horrible mood all the time. I have made her watch while I play, so I have a witness to the horror. She has watched on countless occasions while I find that fish and get him to stick it in while I have the goods only to watch him runner runner me, suck out with his 2 outer on the river, or straight up flop me dead with garbage. As much as I've learned, I watch the same players win massive tournaments, watching their KK hold against Ax, then flopping set over set, then making the nut flush, and WINNING. While I'm losing to Borgata Jack when he defends his BB with 72o for funsies, then donk shoves against my AA and back doors his straight. I watch my AA get cracked by the BB shoving over my btn raise with his QQ and spiking. I watch my AA get cracked when the BB decides to defend 63hh, flop a FD, and call my 20 BB shove and runner runner's his straight. If I don't get folds, I lose, plain and simple, and for some reason, people love not folding their trash.

I CAN'T WIN. It's complete BS when all you successful players out there talk about your thought processes about how to play your hands when you can't lose. If you're unlucky, it doesn't matter how well you play. For all of you who say you can avoid being unlucky by playing well and that those of us who think poker is all about luck have much to learn, screw yourself. You are lucky, the cards go your way when you need them to and that's why you've won. You make a hero call here or there, you get a bluff through. But when you need it to work out for you, it has. And here I am, feeding the fish because nothing works out for me....for 13 years.

I want to be successful at poker. I want my $ back that it has taken from me. I want to punish the players I'm supposed to punish. I want to be a poker beast, and have always wanted that. I make a great move against a fish and lose and get criticized by "better players", and watch the players who win have their praises sung for making such a good move when it works out for them in the same scenarios, same thoughts. I'm sick of seeing the top pros win and win and win. I watch them play. They're lucky. Their hands hold. That's the only difference between them and me. They win and I lose, that's the only difference.

My conclusion about poker is that you can study all you want, play all you can, but if you're unlucky, that's the bottom line. I should have such an easy life at this point from poker. But even with all I have, I feel worthless. And if you say "just keep getting in those spots and eventually it will go your way", straight up suck it. I don't know how many more spots I can get it in good. Poker sucks. I wish I had never learned about it.

    Comments

    1. You know what I would do in your situation? QUIT POKER for a good long time. You need to get your priorities & head straight and fast.

      If poker is making you feel this bad, then it is just not worth it. You have a beautiful finance (your words) do you want to lose her too? You are talking about taking your own life over something that hasn´t worked out for you....you know the old cliche "life is way too short".

      Take a long break from it, stop trying to recoup loses, get some perspective and learn to start enjoying yourself again, make this your number one goal before you lose everything you have.
      2
    2.  
      Originally Posted by samj123

      You know what I would do in your situation? QUIT POKER for a good long time. You need to get your priorities & head straight and fast.

      If poker is making you feel this bad, then it is just not worth it. You have a beautiful finance (your words) do you want to lose her too? You are talking about taking your own life over something that hasn´t worked out for you....you know the old cliche "life is way too short".

      Take a long break from it, stop trying to recoup loses, get some perspective and learn to start enjoying yourself again, make this your number one goal before you lose everything you have.

      After my total nervous breakdown last night, and after talking to my family and some close poker friends, I've decided to end the blight that poker has had on my life. For all of those of you who have success, please remember that your successes not only are created by those who you outmatch, but by people like me, who forever remain on the black hole side of variance. Samj123, thanks for your words. If any others who I know have felt that I've been toxic to deal with in poker, I truly apologize. The game has been terrible to me, and as a result, the sadness and depression I have endured over the years has gotten the best of me. Bye all.
    3. Good for you and good luck.

      Poker will always be there if you decide to come back when your head is straight BUT NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is more important than living and enjoying yourself spending quality time with your love & family & friends.
      2
    4. Can't be successful in poker if you don't enjoy it even when you lose.
       
      7
    5. Didn't get further than half way through the first paragraph, you need to call it a day. There's no real need to be overly down about it, or depressed. We've all lost the plot at some stage, hurling the mouse off the wall or whatever after a sickening run or untimely bad beat. You tried your best and it didn't work out, it's fine, move on. Just be sure to put the same time, effort, and dedication into whatever you decide to do instead. I know from experience that playing when inadequately rolled, under skilled and under pressure to win can create a monster. I played solid, losing my ass, for a long time before i quit and took it upon myself to get into a position in life where i was happy without poker. Once i achieved that, i strangely got an urge to play again and since have been playing so much better, stress free, and i study better and more accurately (still not winning overall, though). I'm far from a top player and may never be but i enjoy it now, almost every session, and that's all that matters. Time away can make your game better. Good luck with whatever you do, just bear in mind that this game is tough as old boots to succeed at and it's not an astronomical failure/embarrassment to just walk away and get your shit together. Peace.
    6.  
      Originally Posted by samj123

      You know what I would do in your situation? QUIT POKER for a good long time. You need to get your priorities & head straight and fast.

      If poker is making you feel this bad, then it is just not worth it. You have a beautiful finance (your words) do you want to lose her too? You are talking about taking your own life over something that hasn´t worked out for you....you know the old cliche "life is way too short".

      Take a long break from it, stop trying to recoup loses, get some perspective and learn to start enjoying yourself again, make this your number one goal before you lose everything you have.

      ypu were doom switched.
    7. Hello sir. Please don;t take this the wrong way because I've been there and I honestly mean it with love. You sound like someone who suffers from depression or maybe bipolar disorder. You need to see a Dr. and possibly get on some medication. Until then, I would stop playing poker as it is the absolute worst thing you could do with your time. You will never be successful at it if your brain chemistry isn't right. Take a break, take care of yourself, and come back to poker when you can have a sense of humor about the inevitable highs and lows. Good luck
    8. Well, somebody had to be 'below the mean' right...Its you, you see it, it sucks, try another game...duh

      You have a big enough history to make a solid call here...Only a few people get the top 'lucky' spots

      Your post is like reading the satanic bible after youve read the holy bible...Its like the opposite of everything, sad..

      Try other stuff..daytrading or something...You smart and cocky sound pretty tough..Likely to be good and profitable elsewhere

      As far as suicide...go ahead if no one needs you, or relys on you, or cares about you...its ok then, fuckin leave man
      Not cool if you your gonna wreck someone elses life..That makes you a total piece of shit on all levels and you sizzle in hell for it..cant do that..If theres gonna be 2 sad people at your funeral crying, you just cant do it
      Cowboy the fuck up only option...Bunch of us doing it, come abard, were all here dood
    9. 3-5 mouses broke, busted (completely off) armoir doors, chip dents in wall, forearm through a printer, scanner copier, chairs busted, windows and blinds cracked, speakers busted, multiple keyboards DESTROYED, holes in walls, chip dents in tv (older models that actually withstood the assault), water bottles thrown against everything.......desktop screens punched and spit at, laptop thrown on ground and ruined 'til it can't be fixed again (for second or third time).
      #theatruggleisREAL
    10. There is more to life than poker. Go and find something else you are interested in and get a job. Get in the real world. Take a break from poker. You will realise that not playing for months is a lot better than grinding micro stakes and getting nowhere; you are just wasting your life away. Maybe in a few months you can return to stakes you are comfortable losing and who knows, a new perspective may actuallly improve your results. Poker is supposed to be fun, not a life sentence.

      Wish you the best of luck.
    11. Man I commend you on being able to speak out about your struggles, especially on a public forum. I found speaking about my depression helped me immensely. Mine wasn't poker related but my game suffered immensely throughout it. You will get through this and like previous comments I agree that you should take some considerable time away from the game, save some money and come back to the game if you get the urge again and are in a better frame of mind to handle the insane swings.

      Best of luck
    12. You want someone to tell you that you play very good and are just running below EV and on a longer trip than normal on the bad side of variance. I know because a long time ago I felt similar. And who knows maybe you are, no one can really say for sure without intense objective hand history study over large samples.

      But that is not the point. Years ago I tilted right out of poker after "Black Friday" because of mindset issues. I got help with some of Jared Tendlers stuff which is real good. But if you are truly suicidal and not just whining for attention then running bad is the least of your problems ! get help

      And if you are ever able/willing to return to poker remember some of the most common traits of the best players in the world:

      #1 -Discipline
      #2 -Ability to deal with adversity
      #3 -money/bankroll management
      #4 -natural skills
      #5 -Intelligence

      *** Notice intelligence and skills near the bottom. Ability to deal with bullsh *t and remain discipline are among the top traits.

      Get some mindset coaching, take a break... good luck
     
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