Not really sure where to begin, But first i want to thank God for allowing me to see 2015. I lost alot of very close friends last year to gun violence. A background i am now grateful i was able to walk away from. Secondly i am blessed and although things didn't go exactly as planned i am grateful. I am not the one for all the Newyears resolutions, as people should strive for change and betterment always! I have plenty of fualts and enough bad habits to make testimony to this as well.
2014 was somewhat of a good and a bad situation for me pokerwise. Sure i was able to get my 100k badge, and yes i was able to take down a few mtts vs. players i deemed superior in skill set ect. And although i consider myself to be somewhat of a threat at the table. I also failed to be a player with the reputation of being a strong finisher. I pissed away several chipleads, and settled for less once deep in tournaments. And although i have a relentless work ethic, I truly know i didn't give it 100% last year. There were plenty of spots and situations where i just made excuses.
I do work 12 hour a day, and 14 days in a row sometimes. But who cares because alot of guys here did it also, And they were successful as well. They didn't make excuses because they were tired or just not feeling it. You must take the hand your dealt in life and outplay your opponent. Even in the real world, or the game of real life! "Everybody has a fold button" and our positions in real life won't always be on the button. Life and poker are the same especially for the deep thinker! As poker and life are also the same but not the same. In poker you die and you play again or re-enter. In real life when you bust your roll your out on the streets homeless. When you catch a badbeat it's because you have cancer or ebola ect. When someone coolers you and you have 2nd best. In real life maybe you didn't get that dream job, Or maybe the other man or woman was just better than you.
Poker is a game that i love and have a passion for, But poker is also that woman in my life who i can treat better and spend more time with. I found myself clicking buttons at the end of this year's past. I dropped over $3000 in buyins in December because i was a bad businessman. For some reason i feel like i just said fuck it, or ill just start fresh next year.
I allowed one bad beat or a pot i really should've won, Totally destroy my will to recover mentally in tournaments this past year. Alot of times i just felt sorry for myself, and literally drowned in my own pity ingame. I remember whining to my coach about MTTs i deserved to WIN! But in this game you don't deserve a fucking thing. In poker you have to take that shit if you want it. There is no free ride to binkaments, and if you sit on your hands your going to die period.
I have done so much soul searching, bitching, crying, whining and complaining. Not because i felt cheated or played bad in any given situation. But it's the very simple fact that i didnt slow down, take a deep breath and really weigh my options before making those ever so crucial plays deep in tournaments. So this year and moreso this first month of January i have decided to totally respect myself and my play deep in MTTs.
I told a good friend here Necks03 that i need more discipline in my game. And i really feel like i can become a great player, But only if i humble and humiliate myself. One huge mistake ive made is bankroll management. Sure i can play the Highrollers and $109s, 60s and 33s. But im not doing it honestly. The point is too make money and not play just because "Oh Fuck It" I got the money. And so i ended up depositing over 30times this year! I have no respect for myself, the game or my own cash. I am blessed to have a good job and a little cashflow. But tbh i am still living check to check for the most part, although i make around 70K a year or so. In 2015 i plan to manage my life and my finances as well as my time on and off the table. A lot of times i get jealous at all the guys who can grind all day. I always loved to do that, and get the recognition of being the feared or solid player at the table.
Well im not living with mom's and my father anymore, as well as the fact of all the responsibility i now have to deal with also. Balance is a funny thing in all we have and all that we do. Without balance everything will fail, from walking a tight rope to installing the hormonic balancer on an engine. Without the proper tools and knowledge there is no balance, and in both situations you will fail.
So with all this being said i plan to drop down in stakes to $5.00 buyins and 100 buy in bankroll across Bovada, PokerHost and Merge. I will be logging a lot of my progress here in my blog and on twitter. I will only play higher if i satty at said bankroll or have 100x for that buy-in level. Obviously i do have other goals ect, but this will be my target area!
HAPPY NEWYEAR AND I WILL SEE YOU AT THE TABLES!