We have no time to spare with the shopping season well under way so I wont sugar coat it. Have the xmas fight early, yes it may seem a bit unorthodox or even risky but we know that the fight is going to happen each year, but each year we still try to convince ourselves that it doesn't have to happen.Save all the tension and get the undercards started early . Rather than waiting for the crowds to file in wouldn't it make better sense career wise for the underdog fighter to get the bout started so that the number of witnesses /opinions/counsellors/solicitors/reporters and commentators who see the fight in real time are kept to a minimum? In this analogy the poker player or banker is the underdog and without coming off sexist ususally the male of the relationship. This is not a dig at women being vindictive or not understanding the nuances of maintaining a bankrol it is a no contest acceptance that we are the inferior debators. Year after year you allow the contest to be tipped in the oppositions favour by looking like a maniac in front of the constant stream of guests and relatives taking part in the 3 month occupation of your household.
Rather than the usual passive reaction to the unexpected gift ideas your better half may suggest or dodging any decisions with neutral "that sounds nice, how did you find that" or the old classic of hallway chatter that trails off mid answer ,afterall most questions are rhetorical when relating to gifts anyways, try the new no nonsense system.
There is an announcement that the $1300 reindeer napkin holders earmarked for your neighbours recently divorced sister are now on special for $900, your usual response is "that sounds a bit steep ,(then the retraction) but having people over for dinner parties will help her get out there and meet people" .In years gone past the sweat that was about to drip from your balls retracts and you actually congratulate yourself for what you see as a win, ie you did not get in trouble . This year is different , think of a poster for the cheesy Arnold Swharz xmas movie the husband , sorry I need to pause , look this is coming off really one sided and sexist and I don't want it be misconstrued, this is an attempt at satire so don't take it personal or literally ,NEVER TAKE OR DO ANYTHING I SAY LITERALLY it is a bit of 1950's stereotyping without the "bang straight to the moon".So, terminator doush bazookas the xmas tree and spends the movie sabotaging shopping trips and arriving guests travel plans then at the end the wife clamps his balls and shows him videos of pre-Hollywood Arnold and his gym buddies outnumbering a woman 6 to 1, and the realisation is that Arnie is truly a doush and women try their best but look what they are working with.That was a weird deviation wasn't it? Anyone that has read previous blog attempts will probably be used to the lapses in order and the slim possibility of making any sense of the typing.
If you have a bankroll that you always dip into at this time of the year out of guilt or in a good natured attempt to have the gift credit card paid off, and each year you realise that you are enabling the holiday shopping addicts that the major department stores have hypnotized into existence this is your lucky day. Send 3 payments of $18 a month for 24 months and get the simple to follow money making , super saving marriage supercharge system. Our operators are standing by to take your call but be quick because our special offer is only available to the first 20 callers who believe they are the first 20 callers. If you are one of the lucky callers you will have the opportunity to upgrade to the super system at the no extra cost of $59.95 and to allay any misgiving you may have we have included the extra insurance in the initial cost if you pay with credit cards distributed by our mid Cayman bank.
The system is simple to initiate and for watching this you get the first 3 steps free for the first 15 days, if there is no change to your circumstances our operators will be available to refinance your plan.
Step 1 Initiate a fight relating to electricity overuse stemming from mechanical santa and his reindeer and suggest turning off the lights by 8pm .
step 2 Go on the shopping trips , by choice and run interference, steer the no name ham in a can into the shopping cart along with the $2 shop knick knacks over the homewares choices, raise your voice and embaress your partner continuosly , then talk in a mono tone non aggressive tone when they are screaming , this will portray them as trhe maniacal shopper to your fellow mall drones , painting you as the victim.
Step 3 Bamboozle, suggest overpriced costly presents for your family and then retract them while outwardly being obvious that you have taken offense to the fact that your famuly is not worthy of a speed boat or 150 inch TV, act pissy for the rest of the trip and for the real students of super system, this is your cue to road trip your way out of the picture for a week or two. But remember there can be no contact and you will have a head start thanks to accepting our financial advisors advice to drain all cash from your accounts to limit the chance of being tracked and reduce the pool available for shopping, this was initiated by our operators when you agreed that you needed help all our calls are recorded and the terms were stipulated in the transfer form you signed and faxed or scanned back to our mid Cayman credit card division.
It is at this time that you will realise that it was good commerce on your part to take our operators advice to pre pay your instalments on the super system in full and to upgrade to 24 hr operator assistance just in case you lose your place or get the urge to back out of the super system, our operators are trained to guide you through the tough times you will never be alone as long as you ration the 2 phonecalls a day maximum properly or speak to our operators about the all day everyday plan that allows you to pay by the minute saving you the grief of uncertainty, mention the word rudolf to receive the super system special offer exclusive to our platinum club.
Call now , if our lines are busy get creative and give yourself a headstart by critisizing the xmas tree decorations or change the plans you had made for visiting both sides of the family on xmas.
Happy super system and to all a good night.