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Things my girlfriend does to hide the fact that she craps.

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Hoooo    0

My girlfriend is very candid, open, honest, and confident about everything in life except the art of #2. We recently moved in together, so while I've been respecting her shitspace, I've also been giggling at all of her attempts to mask the fact that girls poo. Here is a list of the most common techniques, in no particular order:

(1) Waits until she's sure I'm leaving the house, going to bed (night), or staying in bed (morning).

The most standard and secure way for a girl to drop a deuce is to do so in solitary. Sometimes before bed she'll slyly ask a question like "did you notice if we have enough toothpaste while you were brushing your teeth?" or "you don't have your glasses on, did you lose your contact case or is it on the nightstand?" just to see if I'm done going to the bathroom. We usually shower together in the morning (such earth friendly people), so she uses similar sly tactics to make sure I'm actually staying in bed if I tell her I don't have to be into work early.

(2) Pointlessly runs water.

I. Hate. This. So. Much. One of my methods of making her comfortable with the consequences of eating food is to not ever acknowledge that she's in the bathroom, went to the bathroom, or anything involving what goes on in the bathroom. Unfortunately, I cannot stand wasting water. So whenever I'm in the living room and I hear the sink (and yes, even the shower in the middle of the day when she doesn't intend on taking a shower) running at full blast for 5 minutes, I yell to shut the water off. This of course makes her more self conscious because I can hear something, which means I must be able to hear other noises. While being yelled at for "listening" (I'm serious, she actually thinks I have positive-controlled directional hearing that focuses in on toilet splashes) I tried explaining that different noise frequencies travel through the wall easier than others (high frequency water faucet is easier to hear than a deep thunderous assrip), but this made things worse. It only lead to future water running and/or other listed strategies.

(3) Asks me to do something that involves moving far from the bathroom.

No, I don't feel like raking leaves at midnight on a Tuesday.

(4) Turns the TV on very loudly while I'm reading.

If I'm sitting on the couch reading or doing work, I don't need the TV on for white noise. If she's reading next to me and all of a sudden decides to turn on the TV -- loudly --, you can bet your life savings that she's marching to the bathroom about 1 minute later.

(5) Goes in public while directing me not to wait.

Her brain is fascinating. I hate shitting in public because it's nasty, but I think her shitoptimizer function is set to minimize boyfriend-shame. Most guys have gone through the wait outside the mall bathroom routine while your girl runs in to pee. Well, she realizes that such a routine forces me into the annoyed-boyfriend-awkward-eyesdown-wall-stand whereby you're waiting for your gf to come out but you don't want to actually make eye contact with every girl that walks out of the bathroom because that's creepy and weird and you're some random dude leaning on the wall outside of a fucking mall bathroom. So instead she sends you off to some store that you're SUPER pumped to go to but you know she'd never go with you. "Hey babe, why don't you go check out that Crafstman laser track 3HP 14" radial arm saw with 30" cross cut and 42" rip cut at Sears, I'll meet you there in a minute?" Sure you will. (ok - in my mind my girfriend knows a lot more about radial arm saws than in real life)

(6) Walks into a different room after leaving the bathroom.

This is a high level technique. I've only recently noticed it and I marveled at it's creativeness and the associated insight into her psyche. This is not intended to hide the fact that she just blew up the bathroom. The intent is to hide the shame of walking out of the bathroom and looking your boyfriend in the eye. In her mind she's created this scenario whereby she opens the bathroom door, a literal hurricane wind of summertime-waste-treatment-plant smell wafts through the apartment, and I'm standing in front of her with her family, boss, a live camera crew and a clipboard of questions from the president about her shitsperience. Some how in a female's mind, walking from the bathroom (head down, quick steps) into another room that she doesn't need to be in and literally won't do anything while she's in it erases all of the shit-shame. It's fascinating. I've literally watched her walk out of a bathroom (head down so as to ensure no eye contact), into a bedroom, turn around, and walk out of the bedroom - head up, confident posture - whilst making some grand statement about something that doesn't involve taking a crap.

--------------------

I have one last thing: a hilarious story. The first time she went to my house she had the standard meet the parents nervousness. The weekend was going great and we were getting ready to go out to dinner with my family. She went upstairs to get a shower. A while later we were downstairs waiting for her and I was thinking "geez, wtf is she doing?" Right about this time she yells down "Hey, can you come here for a moment?" Ummm... sure. So I run upstairs, knock on the bathroom door (it was closed) and she opens it crying. Literal tears. Balling as though she just found out her family was in an airplane crash. I was SUPER freaked out. My stomach flipped, my heart stopped -- I've never seen this girl even more than moderately upset, let alone balling her eyes out. I walked in the bathroom to hug her and ask what was wrong.

Squish. Squish. Squish... wtf??

Look down at 1" of water covering the entire bathroom floor.

She found a way to clog the toilet. In her mind, this had to be the most life altering event that's ever occurred to someone. She frantically flushed and flushed (lol - nooblet) and tried to use the plunger in vain. By this point, she'd fucked it up too much. Water was pouring everywhere. She spent 30-40 minutes, crying in the shower, crying out of the shower, crying while using the plunger, crying while stupidly flushing it over and over again, crying while plotting her suicide. The last step before suicide was to call for me to fix it. It had to take the courage of 1000 lions for her to yell my name. When I realized what had happened, I fixed it, used about 40 towels to mop up the floor, and laughed hysterically every step of the way.

I now have some awesome blackmail material though.

*No pics. smd.

Edited by Hoooo
  • #1

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Scha    0

- Pretend you are leaving the house

- Hide in the bathroom

- When she is squeezing out a fat one, jump out and yell surprise.

- ???

- Profit

  • #5

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RWD123    10

me and my wife have always shared pooping time together...

I will sit in the bathroom with her and she will sit with me while we poo.

sometimes you just need to tell somebody you love them while pooping.

Edited by RWD123
  • #11

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Mr. Blonde    1

HAHAHAHA! I love this post. TY for making my day Mr. Yut. well played.

Sort of like the "walking into a different room" method is the "stay in the bathroom way too long after shitting" method, where they just sit in there and pray the smell goes away before you randomly walk in and blurt out some embarrassing comment like "WTF DIED IN HERE?"

 
  • #14

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Hoooo    0

LOL, does she know that you notice this stuff?

With the exception of the water-running, I never say anything to let her know that I know.

And lol @ Mr. Blonde, I should have listed that one because she absolutely does it as well.

Edited by Hoooo
  • #16

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(5) Goes in public while directing me not to wait.[/b]

Her brain is fascinating. I hate shitting in public because it's nasty, but I think her shitoptimizer function is set to minimize boyfriend-shame. Most guys have gone through the wait outside the mall bathroom routine while your girl runs in to pee. Well, she realizes that such a routine forces me into the annoyed-boyfriend-awkward-eyesdown-wall-stand whereby you're waiting for your gf to come out but you don't want to actually make eye contact with every girl that walks out of the bathroom because that's creepy and weird and you're some random dude leaning on the wall outside of a fucking mall bathroom. So instead she sends you off to some store that you're SUPER pumped to go to but you know she'd never go with you. "Hey babe, why don't you go check out that Crafstman laser track 3HP 14" radial arm saw with 30" cross cut and 42" rip cut at Sears, I'll meet you there in a minute?" Sure you will. (ok - in my mind my girfriend knows a lot more about radial arm saws than in real life)

.

lol gold, so trueeee

  • #18

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joeschmo    0

Be thankful she hasn't moved onto the shitting-with-the-door-open-like-she-wants-your-audience phase.

Funny OP, and yeah pretty much dis, enjoy the days of shit modesty until she accidentially lets one rip in front of you. Once it is out in the open and she thinks you can giggle about it pandoras shit box is open and it can never be shut.

  • #19

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GONZOjenkems    10

HAHAHAHA! I love this post. TY for making my day Mr. Yut. well played.

Sort of like the "walking into a different room" method is the "stay in the bathroom way too long after shitting" method, where they just sit in there and pray the smell goes away before you randomly walk in and blurt out some embarrassing comment like "WTF DIED IN HERE?"

naw cuz all girls know to keep a book of matches around for this reason. but girls dont poop.

Edited by GONZOjenkems
  • #20

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i love the meeting the parents story. i dont know her, but i could totally imagine a girl freaking out about this.. especially if you had like went to the store or were outside, she woulda probably fucking went to sleep in the bathroom until you came up to help.. classic

  • #29

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