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My official application to write for a poker Magazine...

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My Official Application To Write For a poker Magazine


Justin Vitale

Phone number


Email address


City/state of residence


What poker rooms do you play in REGULARLY?

I beat the $1/$2 games like a white trash housewife who forgot to buy tartar sauce for the fishsticks at Mgm Grand Detroit, Motor City Casino Detroit, Greektown Detroit, and Hollywood Toledo.

I will soon be traveling the U.S from poker room to poker room and am looking for an opportunity to write for a major poker publication.

You'd be wise to give me a shot at writing for yours.

If you don't, I may have to harm a small animal.

Probably a cat.

What writing experience do you have?

I wrote a short story in high school once that contained vulgar language, graphic violence, extreme satire, and was overall pretty god-damn depressing,

The teacher, gripped by fear of finally viewing something unique didn't know exactly how to handle it, I was promptly given an "E."

Eventually, I was told I'd be given a "B" for the class as long I promised to never attend it again. I was required to sit in inner school suspension instead and ended up reading a lot of Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky, Mark Twain, and other greats.

I never really wrote again until I got involved in frequenting online forums.

When I wasn't trying to get girls naked via webcam, I ventured over to this poker site called 2+2 Poker Forums.

Lotgrinder is my online forum name/poker persona over there.

I have the biggest thread in 2+2 Poker Staking Forum history and one of the biggest in 2+2 Poker Goals+Challenges forum.

I recently took $5,000, doubled it into $10,000 at $1/2 NLHE and then blogged my way into getting staked for the 2013 Main Event.

Obviously, you can tell I am the typical liberal, putting my hand out for fundraising....

I have no shame.

Feel free to throw me an old crusted dollar that's not good enough to be placed in between any stripper's fake 32DD breasts.


Why do you want to be an Ambassador and what qualities do you have that will make you a successful representative of our brand?

I want to be an Ambassador because I feel I am consistently the best $1/$2 player at any table I sit at and your target audience is mostly $1/$2 NLHE players.

They need a true American hero to cheer for.

If the masses celebrate Obama, who condones drone strikes on impoverished Arab children, why can't they celebrate me?

My writing style is unique enough that people will pick up your magazine solely to read my articles or perhaps write you about what a swine they think I am.

Either way, I'll increase your readership.

I know I may have to sell out and give up the Lotgrinder persona.

But, the challenge of writing as Justin Vitale and having to do it in PG sort of excites me....

Not as much as some interracial or gang bang porn, but enough to take the time to fill out these dumb questions you're asking me.

The quality I have over all other writers is a unique sense of humor and a no bull**** approach to poker journalism. I also can still remember how to cut, then re-rock cocaine. So, if you're looking to get into the trade when your magazine goes under from not hiring me, let me know...

I'm here to help.

Pleas provide THREE references, including name, phone number, email address and how they know you. At least one of them must be a supervisor or manager of a poker room in our coverage area.

I can provide you a list of 70 poker players who staked me for The 2013 Main Event as well as a few poker room supervisors...

At this point, your publication is going to have to man up and decide if you're willing to take the risk and give me a voice to reach your readership.

I'll even pen my opening article for free and you can let me know what you think.

I might even decide that I sound like too much of a pussy in the article and that this job isn't for me....

Thanks in advance for you consideration.

Over and out,


P.S. - You spelled "Please" wrong on the last part of your application.

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There's something about the line "I may harm a small animal" that is just so unoriginal that is pains me and it automatically turns me off from anything that is supposed to be funny. I stopped reading there so I can't really speak for the rest of it but that line just pisses me off beyond belief.

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Thanks for all the replies....

Wanted to field test my work on some other sites and like the response I am getting so far from here.

I think I'll make a Rise Of The Bull: The Quest For The People's Bracelet thread here, so you can all cheer my rise to the top or fall into the abyss.

Get ya popcorn ready.

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